恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,
恵真
aidenrose
interrobangfics

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Twelve

Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks 
Part: Twelve (Chapters 111-120)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.

Lying. Is. A. Sin.

(YEAHHHHHHH I POSTED SOMETHING. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! LET'S HOPE IT LASTS.)

Chapter One-hundred-eleven:

Jaejoong sighed and rang the doorbell of his own apartment, remembering Heechul’s death threats from before that the apartment was now his and he had no right to use his key. Whatever. He rang it again. And again. Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring.
Heechul threw open the door and kicked him.
“Ow!”
“Oh, god, sorry,” Heechul said sarcastically.
Jaejoong doubled over and wheezed. “We’ll never have a second child! You’ve crippled me forever!”
“Whatever.”
Jaejoong replied with a heavy wheeze and Heechul walked back into the apartment, leaving Jaejoong to inhale the sickly scent of perfume as he writhed in painful pain.
Jaejoong looked up as his vision swam and glimpsed part of the apartment. Why did it look so different…?
A face was grinning at him from the wall in the foyer. Who the hell was that? He didn’t have any photographs of that face…He got onto his knees and peered at it.
“Ha...Hankyung…?” he blinked. Wasn’t that the dude from Super Junior?
Why was his face in his apartment? 

He crawled forward and grew steadily more and more furious and horrified. Something sick had taken place. Heechul has converted his apartment to Super Juniorism.

Chapter One-hundred-twelve:



“How long was I even gone?!” Jaejoong hissed as they got into his car.
“Long enough.”

“How long did you wait?!”
Heechul glared at him. “You left me.”
Jaejoong fumed and drove to the counseling office. Heechul rolled his eyes and touched up his makeup in the mirror. Yeah, so he did. So what?
Heechul looked sideways at him.
“You really find me gross?”

Jaejoong glanced at him. Heechul raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. Hot damn, he was sexy. Stay on track, Jaejoong! Don’t give into that kind of unintentionally intentional seduction.
“You lied to me.”
“Yeah? When did you ever ask me, ‘Hey Chula baby, are you a girl?’”
“...N...Never…”

“And we’ve been through this, Jaejae. I am a girl now. I got your kid’s cells multiplying in me.”
“That’s so creepy…”

“How can you say that’s creepy? Baby, don’t listen to him!” Heechul said, stroking his stomach.
“Babies can hear?!” Jaejoong gasped.
“Yes. Every word you say. So be nice to me.”
“Damn, I didn’t know that...Can it like...talk to you?”

“How would it talk to me?”

“I don’t know…”

Chapter One-hundred-thirteen:


Jaejoong and Heechul walked through the hallways of counseling offices and Tom Cruise’s nemeses. They were coming up on their counselor’s office when they met a familiar face.
“Sisus, bro!” Jaejoong said, pointing at him. “What are you doing here?!”

Sisus gasped and stared at Heechul. Heechul blew him a kiss.

“I’m...uh...I’m a counselor here, Jaejoong. What a s-...silly thing to ask.”

“Oh duuuuude! You’re confessing people?”

“Ye-”

“No you’re not.”
Sisus looked at Heechul and winced. Jaejoong blinked a few times and noticed that Sisus didn’t look his best. In fact, he looked pretty bad. His usual healthy sheen of Shigrease wasn’t there, and there were even faint purple blotches on his skin.
Oh my god, bruises?! Jaejoong thought.
“Bro, what happened to you, bro?”

“...Heenim beat me with a five pound weight...WHAT, Heenim?! What do you expect me to do? I can’t lie.”

“You beat him with a five pound weight? Why?!” Jaejoong turned to Heechul.
“He was lifting weights wearing my bra, okay?! HE WAS GETTING IT ALL NASTY WITH HIS GROSS MAN SWEAT!”
“...Really?”

Sisus started to cry and bit his fist. “It’s a hobby, okay?”

“Why my bra?”

Sisus looked furtively at him. “Your bra is so nice...it’s so pretty and it offers so much support for my manly boobs…”

“Those are pecs. They don’t need any support.”
“As if you’d know!”

Sisus sniffed and walked away.

Chapter One-hundred-fourteen:

The counselor stared at Jaejoong, chewing on gum with her mouth open and occasionally licking her lip gloss.
“I feel bad, Chula baby. Let’s do this some other time. Bro’s problems have got me down in the dumps.”

“He’ll be okay.”

“You shouldn’t be so violent.” No wonder they didn’t tell me, he thought, and shivered.

“I liked that bra,” Heechul pouted.
“And you,” the counselor said, rolling her shoulders. “Would love my bra…”
“What?” Heechul and Jaejoong blinked and looked at her.
She shrugged, sighing hugely so her chest moved up and down like a wave.
“You guys got some problems. I would suggest, you know...divorce. I mean, there are so many better girls out there,” she said, leaning forward and blowing a bubble at Jaejoong.
“Bitch.”

“Excuse me?” She sat up and looked at Heechul. Heechul stood up and leaned over the desk as Jaejoong adjusted his fake glasses awkwardly.
“I’m more beautiful and more classy and more respectful than you will ever be, you pernicious harpy. SO, HOW DARE YOU TRY TO FLIRT WITH MY HUSBAND? HE’S NOT INTERESTED IN SLUTS LIKE YOU. YOU’RE NOT A DIVORCE COUNSELOR, YOU’RE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. HE’S MY HUSBAND. HANDS OFF! I HOPE THE DEVIL PUTS YOU TO HARD LABOR FOR ALL ETERNITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Chapter One-hundred-fifteen:

“Baby, you were so protective of me!”
Heechul sighed. “Yeah. You like it?”

Jaejoong blushed. “Yeah, it kind of makes me fall in love with you.”

“You are in love with me,” Heechul said. “This next counselor will make you see that.”

“What if she flirts with me, too?”

“This one won’t. It’s a dude.”

“Oh, okay.”
They walked into his office and sat down. The counselor turned around and twitched his mustache.
“My, my, what is that smell?”

They blinked. “What smell?”

He leaned across the desk and sniffed Jaejoong.
“Dude, the hell are you doing?” Jaejoong said, scooting his chair back.
“Nothing,” the counselor said. “Just admiring your scent...you smell good, I’ll be damned.”

Jaejoong shivered. “It’s cologne, okay?”

The counselor wiggled his eyebrows at him. Jaejoong felt a hint of nausea and looked away.
“You’re from TVXQ, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Jaejoong said. Heechul tapped his fingers impatiently on the desk.
“My god, I’m your biggest fan. I’ve wanted to do you since forever.”

“What?!”
“Come here, you foxy, foxy thing. You’re my type,” he said, crawling across the desk.
“Woah, woah, woah, woah! I’m here with my wife, okay? I’m not gay!”

The counselor laughed. “Lying is a sin! I saw you with Yunho. Oh, my, you were such a provocative couple.”
“The hell...here with my wife.”

“I can get you a divorce lawyer.”

“OKAY, SHUT UP.” Heechul slapped the counselor. “WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS?!”
“I’ll pay you to have sex with me.”

“WHAT THE HELL!” Jaejoong and Heechul yelled.
“You can be seme!”
“OH MY GOD,” Jaejoong screamed in perfect pitch, taking Heechul’s hand and running out of the office.


Chapter One-hundred-sixteen:


“Baby,” Jaejoong said, crying against the car window. “Do you think I’m gay?”
“No,” Heechul said. “You’re my husband. I would know.”

“Yeah, but you used to be a guy…”

“Did you like me back then?”

“No,” Jaejoong said. “I hated you because you were Super Junior and prettier than me…”
“Jerk. Well, see, you only like me now that I am from Venus. Not gay.”
“Okay…” Jaejoong sniffed.
“More importantly, is it freaking impossible for us to get help?”
Jaejoong sobbed. “I don’t want to see any more of the freaks. Don’t make me.”

“I won’t. Not too keen on having people try to coerce you,” Heechul sighed. “What if we went and saw the one man who won’t hit on either of us, knows everything there is to know and more about love, and ships us?”

“Ships us?”

“He supports our relationship.”

“I haven’t heard that term before…”

“You clearly don’t read fan fiction.”

“Do you?” Jaejoong gaped.
“Once or twice,” Heechul said, averting his eyes. “Anyway, let’s go see Se7en.”

“Oh! Se7en! Okay!”

Chapter One-hundred-seventeen:


“Okay,” Se7en said, holding up a bizarre piece of metal with seven feathers of seven different birds sticking out of it. “Listen up, yo. This is your talking feather.”
“Feathers.”

“Shut up! I have the feather. That means you can’t talk.”

“Wh-”

“Nope! I have the feather. When I give you the feather, you can talk. This means you guys can’t interrupt each other or anything. So, let’s start.” He sighed and looked at them.
“Jaester, yo. We’ve all tried explaining to you that Chula baby is a girl. Isn’t her pregnancy proof enough? You can relax about her sex, yo. More importantly, she loves you. Nod your head if you agree.”
Jaejoong looked at Heechul and Heechul stared at him with narrowed eyes. Heechul pointed at his stomach and Jaejoong sighed. He nodded his head.
“Progress, mi amigo! I’ll give you the feather so you can apologize to her.”

He handed him the feather, and Jaejoong sneezed as it touched his sensitive nose.
“Chula baby,” he said, sniffing. “I’m sorry.”
Heechul wiped a tear away. Se7en took the feather back.
“Chula baby, he says he’s sorry. That’s good, yo. Alright. Jaester, will you move back in with her and commit yourself to your marriage and your little muffincake in the oven? Whose uterus is it, anyway?”

He handed the feather to Heechul.
“I was born with one.”
Se7en took the feather back. “Ho shit, that’s awesome. Your turn, Jae.”

“Really? Doesn’t that make you a-”

Se7en snatched the feather. “Stay on track!” He gave it back.
“...As...as long as she gets rid of all the Super Junior stuff…”
Heechul rolled his eyes. Se7en blinked and handed the feather to Heechul, asking what he meant in the transition time.
“I needed comfort. And Jaejae, that was my life. I need some remembrances of that time.”

Se7en took the feather. “That so bad, Jaester? How about if you guys have a mix of boy band merchandise?”

Jaejoong nodded, pouting.
“Okay! I think we can get rid of the feather now. Wasn’t that easy and sweet?” He put the feather down and ate seven almonds at once.

Chapter One-hundred-eighteen:



“I really wouldn’t have guessed that you were a hermaphrodite,” Jaejoong said, rolling down the windows and letting the wind blow into his heavily conditioned locks of hair.

“Well, I’m not anymore. I got it cut off.”
Jaejoong shivered. “Please don’t talk about it.”

“Why? It makes you uncomfortable?”

“Yeah.”

“I make you uncomfortable.”

“Yeah.”
Heechul sighed. “Is this really gonna work out? We can’t do this, can we?”

“Yes we can,” said a voice to their left. They turned their heads and gasped.
“Obama?!” Jaejoong exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”
“Just driving by,” Obama said, flashing a smile at them and speeding away.
They stared at each other open mouthed.

“Jaejae,” Heechul said.
“Y-yeah?”
“Obama says we can do this. We’re doing this. This is going to work out.”
“Y...You’re right. We have no choice.”
“None.”

“Let’s go home.”

“Yeah. Yes we can.”

“Yeeeees we can!”


Chapter One-hundred-nineteen:

Jaejoong and Heechul stood outside their apartment, looking at each other.
“I still love you.”

Jaejoong sighed. “I love you, too.”

“Really?”
“Yeah…” He held up his hand and looked at his wedding ring. “I lost myself. But I was going through a hard time.”

“I was there for you, if only you saw it.”

“Baby, I didn’t even have swine flu. I’m allergic to dust.”

“I’m sorry. My bad. It’s just that with all the swine flu news coverage, I freaked out. It made me afraid.”

“I know. I’m still afraid of it.”

“Maybe we should go inside, where there is no swine flu. But take a deep breath. I rearranged everything, and some people stole some of your stuff.”

“What?”

“We’ll put it back to an even mixture of things, okay? It’s temporary.”

“Okay…”

Heechul opened the door, and Jaejoong walked inside and fainted.

Chapter One-hundred-twenty:

Yesung sneezed.
“Damn you,” the Devil said.
“Excuse me?”

“That’s what we say down here. If I said bless you, that’d be like asking you to leave.”

“So you want me around?”

The Devil lazily swirled his wine around in his glass.
“Let’s just say I don’t want God to have you.”

“So you want me.”

“Do you want me, Yesung?”

Yesung crawled towards the Devil and ran his finger across the Devil’s smooth upper lip.
“I thought so,” the Devil smirked.
Yesung suavely took the Devil’s wine glass from him and sipped it.

“How do you even get wine down here?”

“You know what’s a sin, Yesung?”

“Us.”

The Devil chortled. “Yeah, no kidding. But no...I was talking about breaking promises and lying.”

“So?”

“So God promised me I’d get to hang out with the greatest wine maker ever before I fell. He didn’t specify hanging out in Heaven with him, so he damned the greatest wine maker with a note saying ‘Hey Baby, as if I’d sin by my own rules. This one’s for you.’”
“Where do you get grapes?”

The Devil put a finger over Yesung’s lips and Yesung opened his mouth and bit it lightly.
“It’s called faith, Yesung.”

[Next Part] She's made of plastic, it's fantastic.


Tags: Character: El Bandido de Labios‽, Character: El Diablo‽, Character: Se7en likes dem girls‽, Character: Shisus loves you‽, Character: The Obama Llama‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Devil/Yesung, omg pairing‽: Jaejoong/Heechul, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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