恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,
恵真
aidenrose
interrobangfics

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Eleven

Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Part: Eleven (Chapters 101-110)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.

The Devil went down to Korea, he was looking for a soul to steal
...Aw, you know how this version goes. Devil challenges Yesung to an emotive ballad contest, Yesung beats him but falls in love in the process, and sells him his soul so that they can together forever and maybe get some clones . Makes Yunho jealous as hell.
If you spell "devil" backwards you get "lived"! What does that mean, you ask? Clearly, it means that Yesung is livin' the life by being with the Devil.

As always, this is my joint brain child with tvxqsocks PEACE.

Chapter One-hundred-one:

“Mommy,” Heechul moaned, mopping his tears with a cake doily, “I hate him!”
“I hate him too,” Kyuhyun said. “He threatens my status as Korea’s best ballad singer!”
“He’s s-sooooooooo mean!”
“There, there, Pumpkin Flower,” Eeteuk said, shaking a bottle of nail polish.
“’Don’t call me no more’?! He sounds like Yoochun taught him how to say that,” Heechul spat. “How dare he say that to me? I’m his wife!”
“Damn straight!” Kangin said, reappearing out of his bedroom with a double-barrel shotgun. He locked it. “He’s no good for you.”
“Honeybear!” Eeteuk exclaimed.
“Where in the seven blazes did you get a gun?!”
“And what the hell are you going to do with it?” Heechul sniffed, lifting a finely penciled eyebrow.
Kangin dove onto the floor and rolled over to Heechul. He stood up on one knee and clapped his shoulder.
“I’m gonna kill him.”

“WHAT?!”
“NO.”

“WHY NOT?!” Kangin bellowed, slapping his own chest in a display of primal masculinity.
“BECAUSE HE’S MY HUSBAND!”

“HE MISTREATED YOU.”

“YEAH, BUT I STILL LOVE HIM! FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS!”
“WE’LL FIND YOU A BETTER MAN.”
NO.”

Chapter One-hundred-two:

“Marriage counseling?”

“Yeah.” Eeteuk nodded and stroked Kangin’s shoulder. “Kyukins?”

“What, Mom?”

“Go put Daddy’s gun in Yesung’s room so Yesung can send it to Hell, okay?”

Kyuhyun snorted. “You don’t really believe that story about Yesung, do you?”

“Where else are all our socks going? I can’t find any pairs anymore.”
“The dryer ate them, Mom.”

Oh really? Then why can’t I find them back there?”

“I dunno…” Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and stood up, yawning. “I hate being the youngest.”

“And then go get Donghae and Eunhyuk.”
“You’re so lucky you’re their oldest kid, Heechul. Mom even paints your toenails,” Kyuhyun sighed, picked up the gun, slung it over his shoulders and walked out sideways. Heechul stuck his tongue out at him as he left. Kangin huffed and puffed.
Eeteuk sighed and began painting Heechul’s toenails.
“I don’t think that we can go to counseling…”

“Why not? We did.”
You did?!” Heechul looked between the Eeteuk and Kangin, alarmed. “You’re not getting divorced, are you?!”
“No, no,” they said, waving their hands. Eeteuk glanced at Kangin.
“It was just...that bear…”
Kangin and Eeteuk exchanged a strained look.

Chapter One-hundred-three:


“What bear?” Heechul blinked.
Eeteuk and Kangin stared at each other, their mouths forming thin lines.
“It was a bear plushie,” Eeteuk said tightly, continuing to paint Heechul’s toenails.
“A bear plushie?” Heechul giggled. “Like the kind you hug?”
“Yes.”
Kangin looked away and crossed his arms. “It had a name, you know.”

“Honeybear,” Eeteuk snapped. “We weren’t going to call it by its name anymore, remember? Why did you even need one, when you could hug me…”
Kangin sat in the other direction and hunched down, clearly miffed.
“You aren’t fuzzy and furry and soft.”
“I have fur.”
“Yeah? Where?”
“My head…You could have stroked it…”

“I can see marriage counseling really helped you guys,” Heechul put in.
“No, it did!” they both said.

“You see, Pumpkin Flower...Daddy once kept a bear plushie. A life-sized bear plushie. And it used to sleep in our bed, and Mommy used to stay awake and stare at it because it made Mommy uncomfortable...”
“You never even tried to cuddle it, Angelcakes,” Kangin sulked.
“...and Mommy began to feel that Daddy enjoyed snuggling with the bear more than with Mommy…So Mommy and Daddy fought…”

Chapter One-hundred-four:

“So where is the bear now, thanks to marriage counseling?”
Kangin turned away and sniffed. Eeteuk patted his arm.
“An anonymous child has it.”
“What, really?”
“Yeah.”
“...You guys slept with this bear, though.”

“So?”

“...Never mind.”
At this point, Donghae and Eunhyuk came into the room, bringing in visible hearts of couple affection with them. Heechul felt his stomach turn at the intense rays of couple happiness radiating from them.
“Talking about Fluffywuffykins?”
Eeteuk cringed. “Please don’t say that name.”
They sat down. “Do you remember him, Hyukjae?”

“I surely do. If you listened carefully…”

“You could hear him talk to it…”
Heechul snorted with laughter. “What, really?”
“’Goodnightywightykins, Fluffywuffykins! Ah boo boo booooo!’, you know, that kind of thing.”
Eeteuk died.

Chapter One-hundred-five:


“Is that worse or better than how you talk to Mom, though?” Donghae wondered, reclining in Eunhyuk’s arms as Kangin’s internal fluids boiled.
Shut up,” Heechul and Kangin said in unison. Kangin threatened to pummel them with his ursine fist. Heechul pried the brush from Eeteuk’s limp fingers and finished painting his toenails.
“So, why are we here?”

“Eeteuk wanted you to give Heechul some relationship advice. We suggested marriage counseling.”
Eunhyuk and Donghae exchanged a grin as Heechul winced.
“I don’t actually want you guys to tell me how to have a...relationship like yours.”
“What’s wrong with ours?”

“...Nothing,” Heechul said. “It’s perfect...which is the problem. It’s unnatural. Like aliens designed you two.”
“Can you imagine that?” Eunhyuk said, linking fingers with Donghae and looking dreamily into his eyes. “Aliens designing us to be the two halves of a single heart?”
Heechul struggled to keep bile from rising into his mouth.
“Guys, stop it. You know what? I think I’ll just get advice from Se7en. We’ll go to marriage counseling.”

“We’ve never needed that stuff,” Donghae said, smiling at Eunhyuk. “Have we?”

“We counsel each other...”

“It’s because we trust each other...”
“And love each other…”
“Kids.”

Heechul left the room quickly and vomited into the sink.

Chapter One-hundred-six:

Jaejoong wandered through the kitchen, searching for sustenance. Where was all the food in this place? He opened the freezer and peered into its frosty cavernous void. The only thing inside was ice cream. Good. He brought it out and opened it and was about to take a bite of its creamy, cold goodness when a lesson from his mother entered his mind.
You must not have ice cream for breakfast.
Jaejoong looked down at it and his stomach growled. He was even salivating. It looked so tasty…
You must not have ice cream for breakfast.
Right. And if he couldn’t follow that advice himself, what kind of example would he be for his child when he brain washed it? He put the ice cream back and huddled down in a corner, listening to his stomach sing the opera.
“About your kid, Jaejoong,” Angel Jaejoong said, appearing in his pajamas on his shoulder.
“You think it might be hard for a single dad to get custody?”

“HA! As if Heechul would let you have it. Heechul’s father is a bear, bearness is hereditary, and you know how protective bears are of kids. Most importantly, no one is going to be impressed that you left your pregnant wife.”
“You’re right,” Jaejoong sighed.
Jaejoong stood up and decided to seek out the other members. He walked down the hall where their bedrooms were and hesitated. He couldn’t visit Yoochun or Changmin because they might be…
Jaejoong shuddered and walked to the next door. A dolphin-shaped plaque hung from the door and said “XIAH” on it. Jaejoong imagined what the other side was like, and he shivered as if a cold breeze blew through. He’d been to enough aquariums for one lifetime.

Chapter One-hundred-seven:



Jaejoong gingerly opened Yunho’s room, poked his head in, and gaped. Transfixed by what he saw with a kind of disgusted curiosity, he walked in.
What in Shisus’s name…?
Everything was black, red, and white. All over the walls were posters of some anemic foreign dude that he’d never seen before in his life with flyaway golden hair. The weird part was that some of them had other people in the posters, and Yunho’s face had been taped over one of the people’s faces in every one.
“Hey,” whispered Jaejoong to his shoulder angels. “What was Yunho fanboying about yesterday?”

“Edward Colon.”
“It’s Cullen, you idiot.”
“Whatever.”
Edward. Bobble head dolls and voodoo dolls, ball and joint dolls, victorian dolls...dolls of him all over. There was a cardboard cutout of Edward in the corner. Stickers of him on everything. Jaejoong looked at his bed and he silently screamed. Yunho was wrapped around an inflatable life-sized Edward, sleeping. His bed sheets and blankets and pillowcase were all from some kind of Twilight set.
“That’s horrifying!” he whispered at his angels.
“I’ll be damned...He’s in love with this dude!”

“He doesn’t exist!”
“Hold up guys...what’s that?” Devil Jaejoong pointed at Yunho’s head and they took two steps closer.
Yunho was sleeping with his neck exposed and a piece of paper taped to it saying: Dear Edward, my beloved Edward, my one and only true love that I love, please bite me. Make me a vampire so that we may live together forever, in love. I love you. I love you love you love you. All my blood is yours, my love. All of it. Drain me with your delectable lips, suck it all out of me...It’s yours. ---> Turn me!

Chapter One-hundred-eight:


Jaejoong reached in and turned the note over.
I know you don’t need to suck it out and all you need to do is bite me with your sexy teeth and inject me with your sexy venom. Please bite me all over. It’d be nice if you could bite me...you know, down there. Once the venom is in me please drink my blood. I want to exchange fluids with you. Love love love love LOVE LOVE LOVE, -Yunho
“Guys,” Jaejoong whispered, his eye twitching.
“Y...Yeah?”
“If you commit suicide do you go to Heaven anyway?”
“You’re…actually...set up to go to Hell.”

“Daaaaammmn it.”
Jaejoong backed away slowly and exited the room.
“Guys, if...I’m...going to Hell anyway...I might just really go through with it…”
“It’s not-...okay...yeah...it’s worth it. Let’s go the emo way.”
“Fuck yeah.”
Jaejoong stumbled into the kitchen and reached for a steak knife.
“You know, I actually really liked you guys, and I’m sorry to do this...but I can’t live after...after...reading that…”
“Don’t...blame...you...a bit.”
“Remember, Jaefiend, down the road, not across the street.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry, world. I know you love me and my beautiful face and my beautiful voice and my adorable personality. I know you do. After my death, please kill Yunho, because the world will be down on good things after I die and he's a really bad thing.”

“Amen.”

“Should I write it in a note?”

“Yeah, why not. Let’s take a ten minute break and write a nice note.”

Chapter One-hundred-nine:


Jaejoong was penciling down his suicide note when his cellphone rang. He picked it up and answered it.
“Hello?”

“Jaejae, I love you.”

“Busy, Chula baby.”

“You called me baby!”

“...No, I didn’t.”

“Yes you did! I love you.”
“I’m busy...is this important?”
“I’m always important and now is especially important.”

“Fiiiiine….talk.”
“Let’s go get counseling, okay?”

“What?” Jaejoong exclaimed. “How did you know that I was about to…?”
“About to do what?”

“...Nothing.”
“Marriage counseling, Jaejae. We should get it.”

“Why?” Jaejoong pursed his lips.
“Because we’re having a baby! The baby needs us - both of us. Together. And we got married...we made a commitment!”
“But you’re a dude…”

“Can dudes get pregnant, Jaejae?”

“...No.”
“That’s right.”

Chapter One-hundred-ten:

“What is this?”

“Looks like a shotgun to me.”

“Yeah, I know that. I love these things...but that’s beside the point. Why are you giving one to me?”

Yesung shrugged and kicked off his shoes.
“Found it in my room.”

“So you found it in your room...and gave it to me? Why, baby? Do you want me to shoot you?”

“Who will croon to you if you do? No. If something weird pops up in my room I just chuck it down here.”

The Devil curled his lips into a satanic smile.
“You realize we have littering fines down here?”

“You gonna fine me?” Yesung said, doing his best and failing miserably to be cute. No matter what Yesung did, no matter what was done to Yesung, he and his clones would never be cute.
The Devil lounged on the couch in front of the burning pits of hell that served as his eternal fireplace in an eternally smoldering place and smirked.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeells yeah, I am.”
“Really?”
“No.”
“I thought not.”

[Next Part] It's DeSung, not YeVil. We lied.

Tags: Character: El Bandido de Labios‽, Character: El Diablo‽, Character: Yunho the Gheiho‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Devil/Yesung, omg pairing‽: Edward/Yunho, omg pairing‽: Eunhyuk/Donghae, omg pairing‽: Jaejoong/Heechul, omg pairing‽: Kangin/Eeteuk, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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