恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,
恵真
aidenrose
interrobangfics

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Ten

Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Part: Ten (Chapters 91-100)
Previous parts: Part one, Part two, Part three, Part four, Part five. Part six, Part eight, Part Se7en, Part Nine
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.

If you were to ask us, "What do you do at 3:00 am?" the answer would be expressed right here. At 3:00 am, we write this. At 3:00 am, crack is as abundant as sunshine on a sunny day. As abundant as fish in the sea pre-mass fishing. As abundant as grass since the boom of suburbs in America. Or to put it more simply, as abundant as gay individuals in SM Entertainment.

TL;DR The Devil sanctions and participates in gay marriage. I can't decide whose case that strengthens.

Chapter Ninety-one:

Heechul waded through the sea of Super Juniors to the coffee table and put the photo of his baby onto it. They crowded around it and peered at it. Hangeng draped his lanky arms of dancing prowess over his shoulders and sniffled.
“It’s so beautiful, Heechulie,” he whimpered.
“It is?” Heechul blinked.
“It looks like Sungmin did when he was a baby.”
Everyone looked up at Ryeowook, who blushed. “I’m not saying it looks like a mouse or anything, okay? Sorry, I’ll just shut up…”
“No, he’s right,” Kyuhyun said, pointing at a part of the photo. “You can’t really tell that it’s human…”

“Eow…”
“This is Jaejoong’s, right?”
“Yeah,” Heechul nodded. “The doctor said it looks normal…”
Eeteuk bit his lip. “Heechul, are you eating okay?”
“What? Yeah.”
“What if Jaejoong is an alien?”

“Guys, he’s no-”

“I heard that if you eat too many turnips during pregnancy, your baby will be swapped with a Yesung clone at birth! It’s his pact with the devil!” Donghae said.
“OHMYGOD-”
“TINY HANDS-”

“HOLY CRAP. HOLY CRAP, GUYS. I HAD TURNIPS WITH MY BREAKFAST.”


Chapter Ninety-two:


“Never fear, Heenim!”
They fell silent as Siwon stood up and struck a pose of divine manliness.
“No such heinous thing will happen to your child! My godchild!”
“Actually, you’re not the godfath-”

“I will take care of this!” Shisus closed his eyes and swayed.
“How?”
“I will call him, and ask him not to swap your baby with a Yesung clone.”
“Uh, I think Yesung would actually like to have my baby.”
“Yesung wants to get pregnant, too?” Eeteuk wailed.
“Seriously, I bet it takes a lot of turnips. I mean, Yesung’s soul can’t be worth that much.”

“What if he sold him his singing talent?”

“No, he still has that, stupid.”
“Okay,” Eeteuk took several deep breaths and fanned his face with a hand. “Okay. No more turnips! We have to carefully monitor your diet now.”
“But I don’t really eat them that often…”

We take no chances!
“But mom-”

“No buts!”

Chapter Ninety-three:

After a micromanaged Super Junior dinner, Super Junior decided to play around with naming the baby.
“But,” Heechul protested, “I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.”

“Or a hermaphrodite.”

“My baby is gonna be one or the other, okay?”

“Absolutely,” Shisus said.
“Name it Hanchul!” Hankyung said, lifting Heebum’s paws up and waving at Heechul with them. Heechul glared at him. “Or not, that’s okay…”
“Name it Jasmine,” said Kyuhyun.
“No.” Heechul began to sulk. “Guys, I should be talking with Jaejae about this…”

“Why don’t you try calling him?”

“You think it’d be okay?”

“Yeah. You’ve got big news for him...You got your first ultrasound picture.”
“Okay…” Heechul sniffed. “I hope he isn’t mad still...”
 He dialed his number and waited.
“Hello?”
“Jaejae honey.”

“Who’s this?”

“Chula.”
...YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER! YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER! I'M SORRY YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER, SO DON’T CALL ME NO MOOOOOOORE!
Chula sobbed and hung up.

Chapter Ninety-four:

“That was harsh,” sniffed Angel Jaejoong.
“Pansy.”

“Shut up,” Angel Jaejoong spat at Devil Jaejoong.
“Guys,” Jaejoong said, swatting at them. “It was not harsh, okay? It was lovely and smooth and angelic. My voice is just so swe-”

“Not your voice, you stupidhead!” Angel Jaejoong moaned.
“What?”

“You were mean to Chula!”

“I highly encourage that sort of stuff! Didn’t it feel good to zing her? Buurrnnnn!” Devil Jaejoong shook his fist in the air.
“How am I the mean one here? She’s the one who lied to me!”
“Don’t you love her anyway?”
“No, he doesn’t! No love in our heart, right, Jaefiend?! We’re angry!”

“Stay out of this!” Angel Jaejoong threw his harp - which popped out of nowhere - at Devil Jaejoong.
“Would you stop answering for me?!”

“People do that to you a lot, huh, Jaejoong,” the voice of Yesung came from behind him. “Disrespect you…”
Jaejoong whirled around.

Chapter Ninety-five:


“Don’t you wish you could escape all that ghei sometimes, Jae?”

“’Jae’? He’s calling you Jae, Jae,” Angel Jaejoong said. “Take caution!”

“I actually feel some kinship with this dude,” Devil Jaejoong said.
“Yeah...I really do. Even my wife makes me feel gay now,” Jaejoong said, sighing.
Yesung leaned against the railing of the balcony with him.
“Want to hang out, then? Spend some time with a dude like in the old days? Gay-free skinship and conversation.”
“Are you asking if you can be my friend?”

“Sure.”

“For serious?”

“Absolutely.”

“Gosh...well...okay...Thanks, Yesung!”

Yesung smiled at him. “Let’s go get a coffee, then. Escape this place. I know you like vanilla lattes.”

“How do you know so much, Yesung?”

“You’re an important person,” Yesung purred. “I just remember little things as they come my way.”
“Gee, Yesung. You make me feel like my memory sucks. I don’t know anything about you.”
Jerk, Yesung thought.
“That’s alright, no one really pays attention to me.”
“Okay, Yesung, my friend! Let’s go get coffee!”

Chapter Ninety-six:

They sat down with their coffees and Yesung began to stare at him.
“What?”

“Nothing,” Yesung smiled. “I just wish I had your eyes. You’re so pretty.”

“Oh my…Thank you…”

“I speak but the truth. You’re beautiful. And your voice! I wish I could sing with your vibrato.”
“You sing pretty well, too, you know?”

Yesung hissed internally. As if Jaejoong ever listened to Super Junior.
“Thanks,” he smiled. Kill him later, I will. “I heard your last song, you know...Oh, it was so beautiful! You truly outshone the rest of TVXQ.”
“You’re a smooth talker if I’ve ever seen one,” said a smooth voice sliding smoothly up behind Yesung. Yesung looked behind him to see a famous face.
“Wazzzuuuup,” Tom Cruise said, flashing his pearly whites. Periodontists loved this man. Over the year he’d made them rich, paying for his pearls of chewing to be whitened and straightened and tidied up into diamond-like beacons of whiteness.
“Tom Cruise?!” Yesung said, spinning around in his chair as Jaejoong and his shoulder angels gaped.
“Tom Cruise,” Tom Cruise smirked, extending a hand to Yesung. Yesung shook it.
“My, my, your hand has a...a certain energy to it...I’ve never felt this before!”
“Oh really?” Yesung said, his eyes widening with interest.

“Have you ever been audited?” he asked, his eyes glinting crazily.

“No, I pay my taxes,” Yesung said, smiling widely. “You know, I’m a singer.”

“Are you?”
“Yup,” he cleared his throat and sang the mission impossible theme song.

Chapter Ninety-seven:

“...and that’s the explanation of everything, boys.”

“Wow.”
“Jeepers, Mr. Cruise. I feel kind of hazy now,” Jaejoong said, blinking.
Yesung stroked his own lip, an expression of deep thought on his face. Tom Cruise watched him, his mouth open, transfixed by the mesmerizing motion of self-molestation.
“What are you doing?” he whispered.
Yesung blinked. “What?”

“That. That thing you’re doing to yourself.”

“What, this?” Yesung said, raising his eyebrows.
“Yeah,” Tom Cruise nodded a bunch of times.
“You like?”

“I...I do…”

“Want to see how it feels?” Yesung said, holding up his index finger. Jaejoong retreated into the private corner of his mind, the blatant lip touching warding him off like a skunk spray to the face.
Tom Cruise scooted his chair towards Yesung. “Give it a whirl,” he said, pursing his lips.
“No, no, act naturally.”

“Oh, okay…” He relaxed his facial muscles. Yesung reached forward and stroked his upper lip. Tom Cruise’s eyes widened and he stared at Yesung with ardor. Creeper and creepee smiled at each other.

Chapter Ninety-eight:


“I’m investing in you,” Tom Cruise whispered. He grasped Yesung’s hands in his. “Together we’ll make a new church! A new religion revolving around this sacred act of lip-touching! What eroti- What divinity it is!”
“Uh, a church…?”
“A church. With you and me at the center! You and me, Yesung!” 
Yesung blinked.
“I’m Christian.”
“I’m atheist,” Jaejoong cut in, rocking back and forth on his chair. His shoulder angels swooned.
Tom Cruise gaped at Yesung.
“What, like...really?”
“Yup,” Yesung nodded.
“...Sc...Screw you! SCREW YOU!!!” Tom Cruise shouted, standing up and kicking his chair over. “SCREW ALL OF YOU! RRRAARRGGHHHHH…..YOU….I’M DONE WITH YOU! I DON’T NEED YOU! I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU!!! FUCK YOU!!!
He kicked over another chair and stalked towards the exit of the cafe. He ran into Yunho, who laughed and caught him.

“Careful! Werewolves are out tonight!” he said and giggled. “But I’m okay! Edward will protect me!”
Jaejoong turned his head and vomited.
“FUCK YOU AND EDWARD, HOBO!!!” Tom Cruise ran out of the building in a rage.
“Dude,” Yesung looked at him. “Do you have, like, morning sickness?”

“No!”

“I heard some guys mimic their pregnant wives…”
Jaejoong gaped in horror.

Chapter Ninety-nine:


Heechul threw up into the toilet without touching the toilet itself. A bunch of men lived here, and it was disgusting. Now that he was a girl he realized and boggled at the horrendous aim and hygiene of boys. He stood up and tied his hair extensions into a ponytail and washed out his mouth.
Youuuuu, he narrowed his eyes at his stomach. Grow up already. This sucks, you know?
He walked out of the bathroom and stretched. K’chunk. K’chunk. Heechul blinked. What was that? K’chunk. He followed the noise to Siwon’s room and walked inside.
He gasped in horror.
“What the hell are you doing?” he hissed.
Siwon dropped the bench press and stood up hastily, covering his chest with his hands. He was wearing Heechul’s bra. His bra. His pink, frilly, lacy bra that screamed I’m a woman.
What the hell.
“Uh...Um...Heenim. Why are you up?” Siwon stammered.
You’re getting my bra all sweaty, you freak! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING MY BRA?!
“I...I…Ummm...Well, it’s...”
“Are you wearing lipstick? Did you raid my purse?!”

“Noooo,” Siwon said, laughing uncomfortably.
Heechul took two steps forward and started hitting Siwon with a five-pound weight. Why Siwon had five-pound weights when he resembled the hulk, no one knows.
And no one ever will.

Chapter One-hundred:

“Yesung,” The Devil said, facepalming.
“What?” Yesung said, trimming his toenails.
“You’re mine.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I know.”

The Devil stepped forward and snatched his toenail clippers.

“Hey!” Yesung looked up, his eyes wide with sudden tears. “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!”
“Why were you getting so friendly with the Cruise?” The Devil narrowed his eyes.
“Are you jealous?” Yesung blinked.
“N...no! Of course I’m not.”

“I think you are.”

“Shut up!” The Devil threw the clippers onto the couch and crossed his arms. “I’m not jealous, okay? I’m concerned.”
“About me and Tommy?”

The Devil gaped. Yesung laughed and clapped his hands.
“No worries, Luciwucikins. You got my soul. I get it. Yours.”

“What about Jaejoong?”

“What about the clones you promised me? I’ve yet to get any babehs.”

“Jaejoong.”

“Babehs.
“I have your soul - therefore I have the upper hand in this! Jaejoong. Spill. Now.”
“It’s just a favor for mi amiga La Chula.”

“Fine...sing it to me, Yesung. I want to hear you sing it.”

“Neorago.”

Tags: Character: El Bandido de Labios‽, Character: El Diablo‽, Character: Shisus loves you‽, Character: Tom Cruise‽, Character: Yunho the Gheiho‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Devil/Yesung, omg pairing‽: Edward/Yunho, omg pairing‽: Jaejoong/Heechul, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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