恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,
恵真
aidenrose
interrobangfics

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Nine


Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul

Part: Nine (Chapters 81-90)
Previous parts: Part one, Part two, Part three, Part four, Part five. Part six, Part eight, Part Se7en
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.

Woooo! Part nine! Back to the story! XD I personally twiddle my thumbs. Read this part to make sense of that! 8D
Haddaway was the best thing to ever happen to love, baby. Stephenie Meyer was not the best thing to ever happen to love, sadly. I'm sorry to disappoint.

As always, this is the brain child of tvxqsocks and me. Basically thought out in IM chats. =D

Chapter Eighty-one:

Jaejoong licked an ice cream cone as he sauntered up the street towards TVXQ House. He felt incredibly rested after getting seven hours of carefully timed beauty sleep in Se7en’s seventh guest room. He reminded himself to get a seven hundred thread count set of sheets.
“...WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE…”

He spun around, shocked by the passing car's speaker’s sentiment. He wondered what love is, and wondered if Chula might be singing such a song right now.
Right.
He’d told Chula he was going to break up with he-...no, him...no...her. He shook his head. It was all so confusing.
What about the baby? Get Changmin to take care of it, a voice to his left said. He jumped and looked at this shoulder. A tiny Jaejoong with red horns and a tail was giving him a thumb’s-up. How can you say that, you evil fiend? Another voice to his right screamed, incensed. A spitting image of Jaejoong was also perched on his right shoulder, only he had visible angel wings.
My God, thought Jaejoong, I have shoulder angels.

Chapter Eighty-two:

“Guys,” Jaejoong crunched on his ice cream cone. “I really don’t think I should be seeing you.”
“Why not?” said Angel Jaejoong.
“Well, you shouldn’t be seeing that feathery birdbrain over there,” Devil Jaejoong said, blowing a raspberry at Angel Jaejoong.
“Guys, I get headaches easily and I don’t know if my parents were schizophrenics or not, so...can you please stop?”
“Stop making me feel insensitive. I forgot that you’re adopted and now I feel really wicked…”
“You are wicked,” Angel Jaejoong spat at Devil Jaejoong.
“Hold up, hold up!” Jaejoong sat down on the curb and glanced between them. “Quit yapping. I’ve seen this happen somewhere.”

“Where?”
“Movies,” Jaejoong stroked his hairless chin.
“We’re the real thing, yo,” Devil Jaejoong said. Angel Jaejoong nodded reluctantly.
“Holy cheesewheels...did Shisus send you?”
“Shisus,” Angel Jaejoong sniffed and wiped a tear of divinity away. “God love him.”

“Amen,” they said in such perfect three part harmonization that only three Jaejoongs could manage. “Oh snap, we’re good.”

Chapter Eighty-three:

Jaejoong continued his trek to TVXQ House, chatting with his shoulder angels about swedish fish and postponing all discussion about his baby until later.
He rang the doorbell and told his shoulder angels to shut up, so he wouldn’t accidentally answer them and confirm his suspicions about TVXQ’s suspicions about him.
Junsu answered the door and squealed with delphinus delight. “Jaejoong-ah, it’s been so long!” He hugged Jaejoong and pulled him inside.
“What brings you here?!”
“I’m moving back in.”

“What?” Junsu squealed, recoiling. “Why?”
“What kind of reaction is that?! Look, Chula and I are getting divorced and-”
“SAY WHAT?” Yoochun and Changmin came tumbling out of one of the rooms.
“-and you guys SUCK, you know? You all knew I married Heechul?”

Junsu gasped. “Chula is Heechul?!”

“Don’t play innocent, sea creature! You knew, didn’t you?!”

“Nooooo, I didn’t know! I was busy,” Junsu avoided eye contact with Jaejoong.
“Yeah? What were you busy with?” Jaejoong sniffed and crossed his arms.
“I...I went to Japan.”

Chapter Eighty-four:

“Huh? Why?”
“’Cause…”
“He went to Sea World in Japan,” Yoochun said from Changmin’s lap. Changmin smirked and nodded.
“Guys,” Junsu whined. “That’s not fair!”
“Why would you go to Japan for that? Korea has the best sea world in the world!”
Junsu blushed. “N-…No reason, okay?!”

Changmin cleared his throat. “So Into You, Genlte Words, Real Emotion, Trust Your Love, Crazy 4 You, Hot Stuff, Butterfly, Lies, Shake It Up, You, Aisho, Twinkle, Unmei, Juicy, With Your Smile, Ai no Uta, Amai Wana, Koi no Mahou, Freaky, Run For Your Life, Faraway, Taboo, Moon Crying, Stay With Me, Ecstasy, Hashire, Lick Me,” he said in rush.
A pause.

Jaejoong snorted with laughter. “Koda Kumi?”
Junsu blushed and hid his face in his hands. “EU KYUNG KYUNG KYUNG!”
“OO HYOONG HYOONG HYOONG!” Sungmin giggled, clapping Junsu on the back. Jaejoong blinked and stared at Sungmin. Why the hell was he here?

Then a crawling sensation shot through his body, spreading from his upper lip out to his fingers and toes. Something was touching his lip. He spun around to see a short, smiling man looking at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Soft,” he said, looking at his index finger.
“Who are you?” Jaejoong blinked, wiping his lip. It felt like there was slime clinging to it, adulterating his pureness.
“Duuuuuude,” his shoulder angels said in unison, peering around his face to look at his lip. “That’s some serious bad juju.”

Chapter Eighty-five:


“So hold up...who are you?” Jaejoong peered at him.

“My name is Yesung,” the man said, sitting down and twiddling his index fingers. Junsu and Sungmin sat down next to him, giggling incessantly.
“I’m Jaejoong.”

“I know,” Yesung leaned forward and winked at him. “I’m your number one fan, actually.”
Jaejoong’s perception of him changed immediately. Suddenly it was like Yesung’s aura transformed from mystical lip-touching enigma to an adoring fan.
“Really?” Jaejoong leaned forward and shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you!”
“Haha, I can really say the same!”
Sungmin snapped out of his giggling daze and looked at Jaejoong and Yesung. “What are you guys doing?”

“Meeting.”

“You’ve already met, hello?”
“Huh?” Jaejoong and his shoulder angels turned and look at Sungmin confusedly.
“This is Yesung of Super Junior,” Sungmin pointed at Yesung.
Jaejoong blinked. “Really?”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,” he smiled. Sungmin nodded and bobbed his head to the rest of the song, playing it lovingly in his mind.

Chapter Eighty-six:


“But you like me?”
“I’m your number one fan.”

“Really?” Jaejoong looked at Sungmin. “Sungmin, is that true?”

“It’s true. He knows all your songs.”
“Wow. I’m flattered, dude.”

“No, no.” Yesung waved a hand. “You deserve it. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are.”

Changmin, Junsu, and Yoochun all turned their heads slowly to stare at Yesung. Jaejoong put his hands on his cheeks, his head spinning with joy. Someone recognized his heart wrenching rags-to-riches story!
“Huh?” Changmin said.

“GUISE!!!”
They all looked at the hallway. There was a gigantic bang and Yunho came flying out of his room, holding a large black book in his hands. “GUIIISEEEE!!!”
 Yunho dropped to his knees next to the coffee table and pointed at a page feverishly.
“He glitters!” he gushed. “I love glitter! I love him! Oh my god, GUISE, HE GLITTERS!”
“What the hell?”
“EDWARD!!!” Yunho cried, tears streaming down his face. “MY ONE, TRUE, LOVE!”

Chapter Eighty-seven:


“Yo Jaejoong, you got some crack friends, yo,” Devil Jaejoong said, looking at Yunho in disgust.
“Don’t judge him...it’s not his fault; it’s the ghei controlling him!” Angel Jaejoong whispered.
“Uh, Yunho?” Yoochun said. “What are you talking about?”

“READ THIS!!!” Yunho shoved the book under Yoochun’s nose.
“...Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal…” Yoochun read aloud. Changmin’s eyebrows wiggled and he snorted with laughter.
Jaejoong and his shoulder angels gaped at Yoochun. Yesung eyed the book with a kind of peculiar interest. Yunho gushed incomprehensible expressions of love, stroking the page.
“Dude,” Changmin said. “I get it that you’re upset over losing Jaejoong, but seriou-”

“Who needs him?!” Yunho said. “I love Edward.
“He’s fictional.”


Chapter Eighty-eight:


“Well, I don’t care what you think, Yunho, it’s a book.  Vampires aren’t real.”
“The hell with you!” Yunho hugged his book. “Edward is real, and we’re in love. He’ll come any day to swoop me up into his marble arms and hold me against his icy chest of splendor. We’ll lie in the sun and sparkle together, like a perfect whole diamond coated with extra glitter. OhmygodIwantthatsobad- OW!”
Changmin kicked him. “Give me the book and no one gets hurt anymore.”
“What the fu- NO! IT’S MINE!” Yunho ran into his room with it and they heard the distant click! of him locking the door.
“You see, Jaejoong, this is the kind of thing that happens when you don’t think about your actions,” Angel Jaejoong said, laying his tiny hand on Jaejoong’s cheek. Jaejoong’s head throbbed and he rubbed his temples.
“You talk as if this is bad! This is great! This is the kind of mental destruction and chaos that you and I need to create, Jae,” Devil Jaejoong cackled.
“Shut up, both of you!” Jaejoong snapped.
“Kinda late there, Jae,” Changmin said.
“Huh? Oh, sorry...I was thinking about other things…”
“Whatever.”

“You’re busy, it’s understandable,” Yesung purred.

Chapter Eighty-nine:

Heechul hurled into the toilet.
Agh! This sucks!” he spat.
Eeteuk stroked his back. “This isn’t nearly as bad as when I was pregnant with you, Chulie.”
“Mom,” Heechul moaned. “I know you’re confused since I became pregnant, but listen to me, okay? You’re a man.”

“Men can be mothers…”
“Yeah, I know, you’re my adoptive mom. But let’s get this straight, okay? You were not pregnant. Ever.

Eeteuk patted his shoulder.
Ever! I’m nine days younger than you.”
“Nine days, nine months...same difference…”
“No. That’s wrong.”
“So? If I didn’t give birth to you, who did?”

“My birth mom. A woman.”
“Whatever…” Eeteuk pursed his lips and looked away sulkily. “I’m the one who’s going to the doctor with you.”
Heechul looked down at his hands and sniffed. “Jaejae should be coming with me…”
“Yesung’s on it, right?”

“Right.”

Chapter Ninety:



“Chula baby!”  The doctor hugged Heechul close.
“Sup doc, lemme go.”
“Sorry,” he sniffed. “My god, you’re so beautiful”

Heechul winked.
“Well, let’s take a look at your baby, shall we? I bet the fetus is made of beautiful.”
Eeteuk squealed with excitement. Heechul laid back on the table and revealed his perfect midriff. The doctor stared at it for a few seconds until Eeteuk smacked him, and he gelled Heechul’s abdomen. 

“Ultrasound tiem!” he said, his eyes glinting behind their glasses. After a few seconds he pointed out the fetus on the monitor.
“See that? Your baby’s heartbeat.” The doctor wiped away a tear. “Look at how beautiful.”
“It looks like a liver. Is that normal?”
“Hellz yeah! This baby is perfect, yo. No problems at all.”

“Awesome sauce!”

“Hey, where’s your husband?”

“Doc,” Heechul said. “You ever had anyone molest your lip?”

The doctor blinked. “Uh...no. That’d be weird.”

“Exactly! Well, my husband should be experiencing that weirdness about now. He’ll find life with me normal if not sublime after mi bandido is done with him.”
Eeteuk nodded.
 
[Next Part] YeJae, YeCruise, YeVil. O Mai.

Tags: Character: El Bandido de Labios‽, Character: Yunho the Gheiho‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Changmin/Yoochun, omg pairing‽: Edward/Yunho, omg pairing‽: Jaejoong/Heechul, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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