Part: Six (Chapters 51-60)
Previous parts: Part one, Part two, Part three, Part four, Part five
Total length: Long. =P
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.
Wow, it's already part six. Time flies. Enjoy your youth while you have it. :'D
As always, credit goes to tvxqsocks because she is basically made of analogies of se7en proportions. If you haven't gotten it by now, this fic is basically born out of our crazy IM chats.
Seven tiny Se7ens appeared in the screen. Jaejoong jumped backwards in surprise.
“Jaester!” Se7en exclaimed, all fourteen eyes staring at him.
“What are you doing here, yo?”
“Uh...well...I need a place to stay…” he readjusted his shades, “nice place you got here.”
“You like? Wait ‘till you see the inside,” he said. “It’s like a sneak peek at Seventh Heaven.”
The gates opened and Se7en gave Jaejoong seven thumbs up. “Come on in, yo.”
“Thanks Se7en,” Jaejoong said as he walked in and up the driveway towards the front door.
The inside of Se7en’s house blew Jaejoong away. There were so many sevens that he couldn’t even fathom how many sevens there really were. Hidden sevens were no doubt lurking in corners, waiting for him to let his guard down so that they could kill him and carve more sevens out of his bones. Maybe even stretch his skin into a tarp and paint sevens on it.
“Hungry?” came the voice of the master of the sevens, Se7en.
Jaejoong could feel the sevens in the house radiate one single thought at him. Feed.
“Sure,” Jaejoong said, not one to refuse free food. These days Father SM was mad at him for marrying Chula, and he was being stingy with Jaejoong’s allowance.
“Please sit down, ore no tomodachi,” Se7en said, ushering him towards the couch. Jaejoong eyed it uneasily. Seven cushions were placed on the couch which was, not to his surprise, in the shape of a seven. Did this man not know the meaning of “redundancy”?
“What channel is this?” Jaejoong asked as he sat down on the couch. It was amazingly comfortable. “And what’s with this couch?! It’s like sitting on a cloud of fluffiness!”
“Channel seven, yo,” Se7en said, moving the remotes out of Jaejoong’s reach. He smiled a smile of Se7en Satisfaction. Here he had a guest who understood the sublimity of his couch, whose mystery seven materials will forever remain a mystery. Mysteriously.
Se7en placed a beautiful seven-shaped platter in front of him with seven delicacies from seven countries on it.
“Wow, Se7en,” Jaejoong said, blinking rapidly.
“Trust me, it’s delicious,” Se7en said, walking back to his kitchen.
Jaejoong heard him drop seven ice cubes into a glass.
Se7en set the glass down in front of Jaejoong and sat down next to him, throwing an arm of manship around his shoulders.
Jaejoong paused with a tasty something halfway into his open mouth.
“Hey,” he said, “would you mind not…?”
Se7en blinked. “You don’t like skinship? What’s wrong with you? I thought all SM boys did.”
“It’s just that everyone is so gay recently...Se7en, you don’t like boys, do you?!” Jaejoong leaned away, looking at him suspiciously.
“No way,” Se7en said. “I like dem gurlz dats hard tuh git!”
“Wow, Se7en, you sure speak English well!”
“You should call Yunho at seven o’clock.”
“What? Why at seven?” Jaejoong licked his fingertips. Se7en sure did know how to cook. No doubt he’d taken seven cooking classes with seven world-renowned chefs.
“It’s the right time,” Se7en looked at him seriously.
“But Se7en, I’m scared!”
“It’s okay; I’m right here, bb.”
“You won’t leave me all alone with him?”
“Never in seven years.”
Jaejoong looked at the clock. That was only in half an hour! Panic filled his heart. He quickly downed what was left of his drink. It tasted like seven soda pops mixed together….
Ew. Jaejoong stuck out his tongue behind Se7en’s back. Se7en whipped around.
“My seventh sense tells me that you didn’t like Sevendewfantacokehawaiianpepperramune?!”
Se7en’s finger pressed call on Jaejoong’s cellphone.
Jaejoong shakily held the phone to his ear.
“What if he doesn’t pick up?!” he hissed at Se7en. Se7en shrugged.
“In that case, we’ll use my phone.”
“Why aren’t we doing that now?”
“I like having Yunho’s trust.”
Jaejoong opened his mouth to make a retort, but Yunho picked up before he had the chance to.
“Y...Yunho!” Jaejoong said nervously.
“Jaejoong!” Yunho sobbed. “Why….why you leave me?!”
“I...Yunho, I’m sorry…”
“I thought you really...I thought...I thought…” he sobbed.
“No,” Jaejoong said. “You thought wrong…”
Se7en slapped him.
“I LOVED YOU SO MUCH, JAEJOONG.”
“YOU WERE MY ONE TRUE LOVE. WE WERE THE ONE TRUE PAIRING. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? YOU WERE MY OTHER HALF! THE PEANUT BUTTER TO MY JELLY! THE HELLO TO MY KITTY! THE SUNSHINE THROUGH MY CLOUDS!”
“THE CHOOSEY TO MY LOVER! THE PIKACHU TO MY ASH! THE PILLOW TO MY BED! THE I TO MY TUNES! THE RAIN TO MY RAINBOW!”
“I meant that much?”
“THE CHOCOLATE CHIP TO THE COOKIE! THE BREATH TO MY LUNGS! THE YIN TO MY YANG! THE HAIR TO MY HEAD! THE BATTERY TO MY CELLPHONE! THE CAP TO MY MARKER! THE GLITTER TO MY GHEI!”
“YOU...YOU WERE THE HARRY TO MY POTTER, JAEJOONG!” Yunho sobbed.
Se7en nodded sympathetically.
“THE WINDOW TO MY ROOM! THE MILK TO MY MOCHA! THE BLOOD TO MY BODY! THE ICING TO MY CAKE! THE INK TO MY BRUSH! THE SUPER TO MY JUNIOR! THE FUR TO MY CAT! THE BIG TO MY BANG! THE LEAD TO MY PENCIL! THE WATER TO MY OCEAN!”
“THE FOUNDATION TO MY HOUSE! THE PANCAKE TO MY SYRUP! THE SEME TO MY UKE! THE PETALS TO MY FLOWER! THE EUNHYUK TO MY DONGHAE! THE STRONG TO MY BABY! THE LOLLI TO MY POP! THE TOPPINGS TO MY PIZZA! THE KISS TO MY BABY SKY! THE CRAZY TO MY LIFE! THE HIPPO TO MY WATERING HOLE!”
“Eow…Please stop comparing me to song titles, Yunho,” Jaejoong said, rubbing his temples.
“I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. THE CAPS TO MY LOCK! THE RISING TO MY SUN! THE WILD TO MY SOUL! THE K TO MY POP! THE INTERRO TO MY BANG!”
“THE PURPLE TO MY LINE! THE MARSHMALLOWS TO MY RICE CRISPIES TREAT! THE CHEESE TO MY MACARONI! AND THEN!!! AND THEN, YOU KNOW?! WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU MARRIED MY BFF!!!”
“What? Isn’t your best friend Heechul?”
“That’s what I said,” Yunho blew his nose.
“I didn’t marry Heechul,” Jaejoong laughed. “That would be ridiculous.”
“Oh, and the stupid to my smart.”
Jaejoong cupped his hand over the phone.
“He just called me stupid, Se7en!”
Se7en grabbed the phone. “Oh, snap!” he said into it and then handed it back to Jaejoong. Jaejoong gaped.
“Was that Se7en?”
“Yeah…” Jaejoong said, feeling betrayed.
“Tell him I miss him.”
Jaejoong looked up. “Gheiho misses you, Se7en.”
“What did you call me?” Yunho said.
“Did you just call me gay?”
“Only for you, baby….”
“Ew, please don’t ever say that again.”
“Anyway, shouldn’t you say you’re sorry as hell?”
“I didn’t know you were gay, dude.”
“I had sex with you.”
“WHAT?!” Jaejoong felt a wave of nausea.
“In my dreams! And then I told you about it. Didn’t you kinda ever take that as a hint?”
Jaejoong threw up onto the coffee table. Se7en screamed and ran to clean the mess up with seven rags.
“Eugh, sorry...Yunho, dude...keep it to yourself….”
“Why do you even like me?”
“You’re so cutely idiotic and clumsy! Your lust for attention is so adorable! I’ll give you all the attention you want, baby….”
“Fine, I get it. You don’t like me. But why do you like Heechul?!”
“I don’t! Why do you think I do?”
“’Cause you married him.”
“I did not!”
“Yes you did!”
“Why do you keep saying that? My wife’s name is Chula!”
“Didn’t you know that that’s his nickname?”
“So what? It’s coincidence.”
“No it’s not. Try calling him.”
“Fine! I’m sorry and goodbye!”
Jaejoong hung up and started searching for Heechul’s number.
[Next Part] Neville was the real Harry Potter