恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Twenty One

Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Authors: [info]aidenrose and [info]tvxqsocks 
Part: Twenty One (Chapters 201-210) 
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. That's a subplot.

Loving You a Thousand Times is responsible for the influence in chapter 209. what an awesome drama.  Ooooooh chihuahua!

Chapter Two-hundred-one:

"And a cherry on toooooop," giggled Jaejoong, wiggling a maraschino cherry over Heechul's open mouth.
"Aigoo! Just give it to me!"
"Give it to you?"
"Give it to me!"
Jaejoong's mind wandered into the land of dirty thoughts.
"Heeeeey, Chula..."
"What?" Heechul frowned. "Come on, just give me the damn cherry!"
"We're all alone here..."
"Mhmm." Heechul tried to grab the cherry, and Jaejoong's slow reflexes failed him. He ate the cherry with gusto characteristic of a healthy Heechul and uncharacteristic of a Heechul with seven concussions.
"So we could..."
Heechul snatched the hot fudge sundae out of Jaejoong's hands and savored the cool feeling of ice cream slipping down his throat and into his gut.
"You know..." Jaejoong sidled up to Heechul. "Do stuff..."
"Stuff?" Heechul raised an eyebrow and stuffed another spoonful of sundae, dripping with chocolate, into his mouth. "What kinda stuff?"
"Oh, you know...Jaechul stuff..."
"Oh." Heechul paused and licked his lips. "You mean that kind of stuff."
"When two people love each other very much..."
"Eh? Are you quoting something?"
"...Noooooooooooooooo...sweetieboo...I can make up my own stuff too..."
"Oh, Jaejae. I know you can."
"So how about we put down that sundae...eh?" Jaejoong rubbed his hands together.
"Yes, loveypoo?"
"My dad's in this camp."
Jaejoong facepalmed.
"Oh my god, I forgot," he moaned.
"And my brothers." Heechul scraped the fudge from the sides of the bowl. "And everyone else in k-pop..."
"That isn't true!"
"Yeah? Who isn't here?"
"Did you check the weather report?"
"No...we have no service here!"
"Well then how do you know?"

Chapter Two-hundred-two:

The Devil stood with the wind blowing his black locks gracefully. Pinned to his side was Yesung, who watched in awe as the Devil communicated silently with two meaty deer, drawing them closer with every second. The rest of their hunting party stood back and watched, just as transfixed, but not nearly as worshipful, as Yesung.
"Yesung," the Devil whispered.
"Watch carefully and hope this never happens to you."
Yesung gulped. Just a minute ago the Devil had been swinging his hand as they walked through the forest, ignoring the other members of their party. And now this. Yesung had a very bad feeling about whatever was going to happen next.
"Heeeeere, kitty, kitty," the Devil crooned.
"Anything can be a kitty, Yesung. Now shh. I'm performing miracles."
The two deer lined up with their heads together in a line.
"Distract them."
"Them." The Devil motioned over his shoulder. "Distract them. They're too innocent for this."
"And I'm not?"
"You're married to me."
Yesung rolled his eyes and then gasped exaggeratedly.
"Look, guys! What could that be?" He pointed to the side.
Everyone looked in the direction that Yesung had pointed.
There was a gunshot, and the two deer fell down simultaneously.

Chapter Two-hundred-three:

"Wasn't that good for bonding, Taemin?" Donghae patted his shoulder and closed the book. They read it cover-to-cover.
"I...I do feel kind of close to you two, now..."
"And now you know so much more!" Eunhyuk smiled. "Just remember...you know, when things quiet down...take things slow with Key. If he loves you, he'll wait for you."
"And protection is worth it." Donghae nodded and patted the book.
"I didn't realize STDs could be so scary."
Eunhae nodded soberly.
"Have you ever gotten any, hyung?"
"No, we've never! We're free of diseases. Except the love disease." Donghae coughed.
"We caught it so badly..."
"That wasn't in the book..."
"That's because true love doesn't happen to everyone, Taemin."
"Well!" Donghae clapped his hands together. "Shall we get a snack and go see if Chula has woken up yet?"
"You go," Eunhyuk said. "I'm going to nap."
"What? Then I have to, too..."
"Why? You can go!"
"Why won't you come see Chula?"
"We're not that close..."
"Come with me...just for a bit, okay? I'm not sleepy."
"Can't you bear to be away from me for twenty minutes?"
"No, I can't bear it!"
"Fine, fine." Eunhyuk sighed and stood up. "I'll come with you. And then we nap. And you have to leave then, Taemin."
"Because the book will become relevant to real life in new ways?"
"Seriously?" Taemin blinked.
"No." Donghae laughed. "We'll just snuggle and go to sleep."
"I wish I had a sweet boyfriend, too..." Taemin sighed.
"Soon-to-be husband." Donghae and Eunhyuk smiled at each other.
"What, seriously?! You're getting married?!"
"After we get out of the woods, yup."
"Want to come?" Eunhyuk glanced between Taemin and Donghae. "I mean, we need witnesses. And it'd be nice to have people there. I feel close to Taemin now."
"So do I!"
"Oh, please! I want to come!"

Chapter Two-hundred-four:

Se7en lay in his seventh sleeping bag in the seventh tent in the camp, taking seven callers from his seventh helpline.
"Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello?"
"Oh, Se7en! Is that really you? Am I caller seven?"
"No, but you are still lucky in seven ways. What is your seventh problem?"
"My family refuses to accept the ways of the sevens! No matter how I try, they insist that there are better numbers!"
"That is blasphemous in seven ways!"
"I know, right?" caller six sobbed.
"There, there. Shed no more than seven tears over this matter."
"I'll try," she sniffled.
"Here is what you must do. Are you ready in seven ways? I'm going to give you seven pieces of sevenly advice."
"I'm ready."
"Give your family the opportunity to embrace the sevens on their own by doing these seven simple things. First, make sure that your family rises at seven in the morning and goes to bed at seven at night. Second, do away with three meals a day. Get them to eat seven snacks seven days a week instead! Third, make sure that they drink no more and no less than seven glasses of water each day. They must wash themselves seven times in the shower, and their showers must last seven minutes. On the sevenths of every month, they must do seven chores to keep the house in sevenly order. And speaking of houses, move until you reach your seventh abode. It will be the most comfortable place imaginable in seventy-seven years. And finally, on the most important number, buy my CDs and play them in the house for seven hours each day."
"Omgoo!" She gasped. "Se7en, why so wise?!"
"I am Se7en."
"Good point. I love you!"
"Se7en loves you too! Okay baby, that was your seven minutes. Time to hang up. Adios!"
"Adios bonito!"
She hung up.
Se7en waited seven minutes before taking his seventh caller.

Chapter Two-hundred-five:

"Dad, are you okay?" Shindong tilted his head at the figure of Kangin on all fours, staring at one of the deer carcasses, a thin stream of drool drooling out of his mouth.
Lee Hyori stood beside Shindong and fidgeted with her nails. "Is he okay?"
"Dad, look at me?"
"I say we just go for it," Kangin moaned.
Kangin smacked his chops. "Just...bite and...eat..."
"Uh...Dad, it's raw. You can't even bite through its fur."
"Extension of my teeth..." Kangin held up a hunting knife. "Rawrrr..."
Shindong and Lee Hyori exchanged a glance.
"There is only one way to break him out of his ursal trance."
"What's that?"
"Sing and dance."
"We should hurry. Dad's bear nature is starting to really show."
"Is there any other way?"
"Well, we could call Mom, but we don't have cellphone service here!"
"Then quick!" Lee Hyori took position. "Let's sing to my hit song and save him from himself! GUUUUURRRRLLLLLL, HAY YOU GO GURL! DE LE DE LE DAT DAT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT GURRRRLL!"
"That isn't working!'
Kangin inched towards the deer on his paws.
"Change the lyrics!"
"Uh...uh...I can't!"
Kangin looked up."Rawr?"
"Shin...dong...?" Kangin's eyes cleared. "You love me that much?"
"Yes, Dad!"
"Oh, son!"
"Oh, Dad!'
"Son, son, son!"
"Dad, Dad, Dad!"
Kangin leapt to his back two paws and walked erect to Shindong. He embraced him with an emotional rawr and clapped his shoulder with a large and heavy paw. Bears are misunderstood and affectionate creatures.

Chapter Two-hundred-six:

"Your shoulders are attractive as hell when you carry heavy things."
"How dare you? Hell is not that pretty."
"Well excuse me for living in a place that doesn't suit your taste."
"We could move, you know. It's not like you have to live down there."
"Yes it is."
"Is it really?"
"Yes it is. And for your information, I think Hell is lovely."
"So it's a compliment?"
"Yes, it's a compliment. Why are you always like this?"
"Well you could just say that my shoulders are attractive, and we wouldn't even have this kind of argument in the first place."
"I like comparing you to things that I adore."
"Am I something you adore?"
"So why not compare me to me?"
"Yesung, you are so Yesung."
"I think I'll leave this sky full of stars and travel with you to the crusty and hot Hell, Lucifer."
"Who said I'd let you come home with me?"
"Isn't it my home, too?"
"I can divorce you anytime I want."
"But you won't."
"Why did you even like that compliment? Are you so in love with yourself?"
"Lucifer, you are so Lucifer."
"Oh my."
"I knew it would be better for you. You love you more than I love me."
"That was exactly what I've wanted to hear my entire life...I'm so Lucifer."
"So Lucifer."
"So Yesung."
"So Yesung."

Chapter Two-hundred-seven:

"You're the lucky seventh caller. What's your name, yo?"
"Hello Dongwook."
"How is America?"
"Bb, it's so good to hear your voice, yo!" Se7en rolled over in his sleeping bag and grinned at the side of the tent. "How is my baby Bb?"
"I've been better."
"Is it because I'm not with you?"
"What's wrong, Bb?"
"Well, I have this problem."
"This is a helpline! Whassyo problem, Bb?"
"I have this friend who is dating this dude. He's great in all re-"
"-spects, and she loves him very much, but..."
"How long have they been dating, yo?"
"Is that important?"
"It has seven different levels of importance, Bb."
"...Seven years."
"Yeah...so...anyway...she has one little problem with him that has now developed into two little problems."
"I think if you look carefully you will see that it has in fact developed into seven tiny problems. But do carry on in seven ways."
"He seems to love a number more than her."
"I don't think any man could love a number more than his girlfriend! Unless of course that number was seven."
"Well the number is seven."
"Is it?" Se7en blinked seven times. "Bb, are you talking about me?"
"Hear me out first."
"Go ahead, Bb."
"Now he's left her to go to a foreign country for seven days."
"Does she mind?"
"She minds!"
"Bb," Se7en said. "Bb I love you sooooooo much."
"Do you love me more than you love sevens? Are you like my friend's boyfriend, or are you my Se7en?"
"Bb, you are the girl of sevens. You live in all of my seven hearts. Don' worry, Bb! I will come back soon and spend so much time with you. We'll do seven couple activities together!"
"Do you promise?"
"I promise seven times."
"Do I get more than seven minutes because it's me?"
"Of course. I love talking to my Bb."
"I love talking to you too, Se7en."

Chapter Two-hundred-eight:

Changmin wandered across the path of the hunting group. GASP.
"NO YOU," Changmin said, flipping his hand fabulously at the rest of them.
"Where's Yoochun?"
"He won't be coming with me. We broke up."
"No way!"
"Yes way."
"Why?" Yunho closed his copy of Twilight Director's Cut. "Is it because of me?"
"No, it's because he's a dirty bastard. Pathetic."
"So I don't have to assure you that I'm having Edward's babies and you don't need to worry about a U-Know-Yoochun catastrophe?"
Yunho returned to reading his book.
"So where's he goin' now?"
"To find himself an uke."
"Pffthahahahahah," T.O.P laughed into his fist.
"Who's the dude?" Changmin pointed at Lucifer's strapping figure.
"Just some dude."
"Oh I see. Why is he walking with Yesung?"
"Don' know. But it gives me the shivers."
Changmin bunny-hopped up behind them.
"-so I says to 'im, I says-"
"Whatcha doing, Yesung?" Changmin chirped. "Imitating Jaejoong again?"
Yesung and the Devil slowly turned around to face him. Changmin had to duck to avoid being slapped by the deer carcasses.
"What's this?" The Devil tilted his head. "A broken heart in search of opportunities to snark?"
"Are you defending Jaejoong?"
"His wife is pregnant."
The Devil and Yesung exchanged a pregnant glance.
"You know what that means, don't you, Yesung?"
"Yes, Lucifer, yes I do."
"Hmmm." The Devil smiled.

Chapter Two-hundred-nine:

"Omomomomomomomo! My Chula!"
"Omo! What?"
"Aigoo, you're so cute." Jaejoong inched towards him with the innocent intention of pinching his darling cheeks.
"Aigoo...so sweet, aigoo."
"Omo!" Jaejoong pinched his cheeks. "So round and supple and soft, aigoo...."
"Omo! What are you saying?"
"Omo! Omomomomo. Nothing."
"Omo! Omomomo! Jaejae!"
"Yes, Chula?!"
"Omgooooooooo, my Jaejae."
"Omgoo omgoo!"
"Omgooo...Why don't we do Jaechul stuff now?"
"Omomomomomomomomomomomomomomomo!!! Jaejae, no no!"
"Aigoo...why not? We's married!"
"I am very conservative! Aigoo."
"Married Jaechul stuff is conservative! Aigoo, Chula. Aigoo!"
"Omgoo, Jaejae. Let it be. Let it be, let it be, let it be."
"All you need is love."
"Omogoo. All I need is your love, Jaejae!"
"Exactly!" Jaejoong batted his eyelashes and made kissy faces at Heechul.
"Aigoo, so charming."
"I'm so popular."
"Omo! So am I!"
"You were popular. But now you're my wife, and...inactive." Jaejoong blinked a few times, trying to figure out if what he said was romantic or not.
"Omo! I was planning to return, you idiot."
"Kim Chula! Why suddenly so mean? Aigoo..."
"Omo! My cat's tongue slipped."
"Omo!" Jaejoong turned away and huffed. "Cats. Omo."
"About cats, Jaejae..."

Chapter Two-hundred-ten:

Outsider stared in horror at the gaping hole in the center of his half-finished scarf.
"Oh dear." The witch doctor made a tutting noise. "You missed a stitch."
"It's unfixable, fortunately."
"You'll have to frog the entire thing and start over."
"Are you upset?"
"This is a good thing, my boy. This means it will take you much...well...much longer." He snickered. "Frogging is so sad, isn't it?"
"Undo it like this..." The witch doctor took his knitting from him and pulled the needle out of the loops. "Slowly unravel it."
"O! O! O! HDU!"
"Grasp it and pull!" The witch doctor demonstrated.
"STFU. STFD." Outsider grabbed it from him and started the unhappy work.
"Cry if you want to."
Outsider shed tears that fell so quickly, the witch doctor couldn't even see them. So fast that they didn't even leave tear tracks on his face. Tears so speedy that they evaporated before they touched the ground. And you know that's fast, because they were bookin'.

Guide to Understanding Outsider:
*STFU = shut the fuck up
*WTF = what the fuck
*OMFG = oh my fucking god
*DNW = do not want
*WOCIAFU = well of course I am fucking upset
*FU = fuck you
*O = omo
*HDU = how dare you
*STFD = sit the fuck down

[Next Part] Kimuchi!
Tags: Character: Bb‽, Character: El Bandido de Labios‽, Character: El Diablo‽, Character: Se7en likes dem girls‽, Character: Speed Maestro‽, Character: Yunho the Gheiho‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Devil/Yesung, omg pairing‽: Eunhyuk/Donghae, omg pairing‽: Se7en/Bb, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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