Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks
Part: Twenty (Chapters 191-200)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
We're back after our seven week hiatus! CHYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! :D aidenrose is now back from Brazil, so the chronicles will continue to be chronicled! YAY!
Disclaimer: No persons named Park Yoochun were harmed in the making of this fic.
"Ahaha..." Donghae wiped away a tear of glee. "I never thought learning how to tie knots would come in so handy."
"I hate you, sunbaenim!" Key shook his fist at him as he wove a rope around Key's ankles.
"Show some respect," Kangin barked. "Not to mention gratitude."
"Gratitude?! For having my feet tied together?" Key spat.
"Donghae is the definition of gentleness and sensitivity. Would you rather I tie you up?" Kangin smirked. "With my big bear paws, all up in your space."
Key curled his lip in disgust and said no more.
"Thaaaaat's right." Kangin nodded. "Tie him up real good, Donghae."
"Can do, pop!"
Donghae looked up. "It just sounded appropriate. Papa Bear."
"Papa Bear. I like it. Carry on."
Donghae nodded and tied an elaborately fast knot.
Key took a few steps and tripped, fell into a nearby tent, and his elbow collided with Heechul's head.
"Key!" Taemin gasped, jumping in surprise.
"Oh, Taemin!" Key pushed himself off of Heechul's prone form.
"Taemin, Taemin, Taemin!"
"Key, Key, Key!"
Key inchwormed his way around Heechul and collapsed on top of Taemin, locking lips with the younger boy.
Kangin grabbed Key's ankles and pulled him off of Taemin. Taemin gasped like a fish thrown onto land, and Donghae rushed into the tent, tripped over Heechul, and landed on top of Taemin.
"Oh, geez, sorry, Taemin." He sat up and dusted himself off. "You get 'im, Papa Bear?"
"I got him, the filthy child molester."
"You okay, kiddo?" Donghae poked Taemin gently.
"Sunbaenim." Taemin's lip quivered and Donghae helped him up to a sitting position. "Oh...Key!"
Key tried to say something, but Kangin stuffed the nearest thing at hand, Heechul's hand, into his mouth before he could get a single syllable out.
"We were going to let you walk free, Key!" Donghae said, frowning at him. "But you ruined your only chance."
"Ruined it so badly, he burned it twice and sent it down to the depths of the sea to be eaten by sharks and spat out into hell."
Donghae fastened the knot and smirked at him.
"Well done. Try moving, you rapscallion."
Key glared at Kangin.
"Father, what are you doing to my baby Key?" Jaejoong cried, skipping over to the post where Key was now tied.
"Your baby likes babies."
"He's a pedophile." Kangin narrowed his eyes.
"I am not! He's gone through puberty!" Key cried.
"Gag him, Donghae."
"Yessir." Donghae picked up a rock and stuffed it into Key's mouth.
"That's inhumane! What if he cracks a tooth?"
Kangin shrugged. "Onew broke his teeth too and it was no big deal."
"Hey now. He broke his teeth. That's never a small deal."
"Really?" Kangin raised an eyebrow.
"I just used the nearest thing at hand...sorry it ended up being a bad idea." Donghae shrugged. "Don't be such a hater."
"I'm just saying, it seems like you're always hating stuff, Jaejoong."
"Well, yeah. I mean, don't you hate me and Hyukjae?"
"No!" Jaejoong gasped. "I'm really supportive of you guys?"
Donghae blinked. "Really?"
"Yes!" Jaejoong grasped his hands. "I think what you have with him is beautiful and pure and sweet and cute and lovely and I hope that Chula and I can just be like you two!"
"He ships you," Se7en said easily, popping out of nowhere with seven graceful steps. "Take that rock out. I have something better. And no, Key, I'm not helping you. If your own label mates are giving you this treatment, who am I to intervene in seven ways?"
"Thanks for letting us handle it, Se7en." Donghae put on a latex glove and helped remove the rock from Key's mouth.
"Fuck you!" Key spat as soon as he was able.
"This is why we gagged you, Key. You have no manners," Donghae sighed.
"Here," Se7en said. He handed Donghae seven rolls of duct tape.
"Oooooh, duct tape!"
"I love this stuff!" Jaejoong giggled.
"What do you do with it?"
"Oh, you know. Stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Oh. Say no more." Donghae ripped off a piece of duct tape and slapped it over Key's lips.
"Six more times, mi tuna delight."
"I know you're hungry. I myself am hungry in seven ways. But we can't eat just yet. There is more work to be done."
"Can't we snack on Cheez-its?"
"Fine, whatever. But let me continue." Se7en cleared his throat seven times. "We only have five deer, and that is not seven deer. So we need to send out a group to hunt down the last two. So let's nominate people to go."
"I nominate Key." Kangin smirked. "Nothing like hard physical labor to work off sexual energy. Eh, Key?"
"I nominate Taemin to not go, then. Separation is good."
"Sunbaenim, I like Key!" Taemin sniffled.
"You're just confused. You're coming to like your abuser, Taemin, and it's not uncommon. It's just a complex. It isn't real."
"I nominate me," Yesung said. "I missed out on all the hunting action earlier."
"I nominate Yoochun," Yunho said.
"I nominate Yunho." Yoochun winked at him.
"And I nominate T.O.P.," Se7en said. "Good. That makes five of you, and five plus two deer equals seven."
"Uh, shouldn't I go, too?" Changmin asked, looking at Yoochun anxiously.
"Stay here are relax, babe!" Yoochun winked.
"Indeed, you must stay. We have seven. Alright, guys. Move out!"
Kangin stood up and ripped Key's duct tape gag off.
"YEEEEEOOOOOOOWWCHHH!" Key shrieked.
"Don't hurt him!" Taemin cried.
Lee Hyori pulled Taemin away from the scene.
"Why did you ungag him?" Donghae scratched the side of his head. "I mean, he doesn't need to talk to hunt."
Kangin and Donghae looked at each other for a few seconds.
Kangin applied fresh duct tape.
"Oh, duck tape!" Yoochun glowed. "I love that stuff!"
"It's no wonder that Edward lives in this place! The air is so fresh and clean! I can almost smell him, somewhere in the distance, surveying his kingdom like a great majestic lion."
"Why try smelling him when you can smell me, baby?" Yoochun winked.
"Don't give Key a gun until he needs it. The dude is a child molester. We can't trust him to have thoughts while carrying a gun," T.O.P. said.
"Right," Yesung said.
"I desire the aroma of my darling Edward!"
"Why go after him when I'm right here for you to smell whenever you please?" Yoochun winked.
"I don't want to smell you. I just want my Edward, my beautiful scintillating vampire."
"Yeah? Well I know something that's even more scintillating." Yoochun winked.
"What's that?" Yunho coughed up a flower.
Yoochun sidled up to Yunho and whispered in his ear. Yunho looked at him and Yoochun winked.
"You greasy bastard," Yunho said and slapped the side of his head.
"Only for you, baby." Yoochun winked.
"I am not interested in you, okay? Can you sparkle in sunlight?"
"My husband can," Yesung said softly.
"I can oil up and sparkle just for you, baby!" Yoochun winked.
Key, Yesung, and T.O.P. all winced at the same time, unable to keep the mental image out of their minds.
"Can you climb trees like a spider monkey and run faster than the wind?"
"My husband can," Yesung said softly.
"No, but there are other things I can do fast." Yoochun winked.
"Like what?" Yunho cocked his head.
"Must you ask?" T.O.P. said.
"Don't answer him, Yoochun," Yesung said. "My paternal instincts are telling me that Key shouldn't hear this."
"What paternal instincts? You're not a father."
"I can be your baby's father, Yunho baby." Yoochun winked.
"PARK YOOCHUN!" Changmin leapt out of the underbrush. "THAT'S ENOUGH!"
"Changmin baby! When did you get here? Couldn't bear to be away from me for more than a few minutes, huh?" Yoochun winked.
"Don't you 'Changmin baby' me! I heard what you said! Come here!" He charged Yoochun, who screamed and dropped his gun with a big bang as it went off and ran in the other direction.
Changmin chased him down, dodging trees and other obstacles.
The remaining people stared at each other.
"Two things," Yesung said softly, starting to walk again. "We will no longer be seven...and we are damn lucky that none of us got shot just now."
Yesung walked ahead of the rest of them, feeling irritated by Yunho's endless gushing over some mythical creature. He couldn't decide what he wanted more; Edward to pop out of that American woman's imagination into real life and sweep Yunho up off of his feet, or Yunho to face the bitterness of false hopes being crushed into smithereens and slowly losing interest.
However, Yunho was Yunho, and it might take an eternity for him to get over his one true love.
He walked into the closed Gate to Hell and fell backwards.
"Ow!" He looked up and gasped. "Gate to Hell! What are you doing here? How did you leave my room?"
"I'm an amazing gate!" The Gate to Hell snickered.
"You can teleport?"
"Are you stalking me?"
"Hey man. I'm just here in case you ever get tired and want to go back down 'n visit with the husband."
"I'm fine, really." Yesung glanced over his shoulder. "You should, like, leave."
"Okay, but he's gonna show up any second."
"My husband is?"
"No, God is."
"What the hell, man. What's he want with me?"
"I'm just yanking your chain."
"I don't have a chain."
"It's an expression. And you totally do."
"Mm," the Devil said, stepping out of the Gate. "You're on my chain, Yesung dear."
"Lucifer, what are you doing here?" Yesung pouted. "This is supposed to be a vacation for me."
"You lost the pervert - and yeah, you get brownie points for not flirting with him - so you'll no longer add up to seven when you get your deer."
"So?" Yesung coughed and stood up. The Devil kicked the back of his heel and caused him to fall into his arms in a dramatically contrived moment of romance.
"So I'm here to save you from non-sevenness."
"You don't even believe in that crap," Yesung said, gazing up into the dark eyes of the Devil. "Why are you really here?"
"I just want to shoot stuff."
"I thought as much."
"Don't worry about your friends. They won't be bothered by my presence."
"It'll boggle their puny minds. You're a random sexy dude that pops out of nowhere in the middle of the woods."
"Speaking of that, is it legal for you to hunt here?"
"Don't know, don't care."
"Oh well. Don't worry. They'll forget that they ever met me."
"Hard to imagine...you're so striking."
"Oh ho ho," the Devil purred. "Aren't you sweet today?"
"Today and every day. Forever."
Heechul opened his eyes slowly and the tent swam.
"Oh! Her eye twitched!"
Who the hell was being so noisy?
"Is she awake?"
Yeah. Look at my eyes roam around this god-forsaken tent.
"I think she's still out of it. Is she dead?"
No, my eyes are open.
"Are your eyes open, woozykins?"
Woozykins. Must he use those terms? Yes, my eyes are open, you twit of a spouse!
"They are, aren't they?"
The face of Jaejoong slowly came into view, concerned and watery.
I can see you, snookie.
"She smiled at me!"
I'm grimacing. My head hurts.
Why does my head hurt?
Oh, god, the pain. The paaaaaaiiiiiiiin.
"Baby! Are you okay? Stay with me, you woozy wonder!"
"Shut up," Heechul moaned.
"You spoke!" Jaejoong crowed. "You blessed my ears with your heavenly voice!"
"No, sweetie," Heechul groaned. "I nearly died...and I...you...you are the angel."
"Chula, Chula, Chula!"
"Jaejae, Jaejae, Jaejae..."
"Too much, my sweetiekinzywinz?"
"Look what I found, you guys." Yesung coughed and gestured to the Devil. "A fifth member...to replace Yoochun...Rest in peace."
"Rest in peace," everyone except Key murmured.
"If he dies, you gonna get 'im?" Yesung looked at the Devil.
"I think all of TVXQ is slated to go to hell."
"Except me," Yunho said. "I'm going to live forever with Edward!"
"Why is this young boy gagged?" the Devil asked. "How unnecessarily cruel."
"I thought you liked cruelty, sweetie."
"I do. I just don't see why you guys do, though."
"He's been hitting on a twelve-year-old back in camp."
"Taemin is sixteen," Yunho said. "Not twelve."
"Oh well. He's a creeper."
Key's eyes shone with tears.
"Why don't you just kill him? Waste of duct tape."
"Ouch," T.O.P. said. "That was harsh, stranger dude."
The Devil stared down T.O.P. and then chuckled.
"Dude thinks he doesn't know me," the Devil said to Yesung.
"What, does he?"
"Are you kidding? You thought his juvenile delinquent aura was fake?"
"I'm an adult."
"Come on, Yesung. Let's go kill an innocent woodland creature and call it sport." The Devil slung his arm around Yesung's neck and started walking.
"And I'll see you in Hell," he threw over his shoulder at T.O.P.
"Strange..." Yunho looked up from his pocket scrapbook of him and Edward. Every picture of Robert Pattinson to be found on the internet, he had photoshopped himself into and printed off. "Whoever would've thought that someone would love Yesung?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you ever been in love, Teepee?"
"What was that?"
"Clearly you haven't been attuned to the lovely aura of love that saturates couples like a thick margarine soup...."
Donghae and Eunhyuk exchanged a glance.
"Has Key touched you anywhere inappropriate, Taemin?" Donghae broke the long silence between the three of them, sitting in one of the tents on pink cushions.
"Inappropriate?" Taemin blinked. "Like where?"
Donghae and Eunhyuk tilted their heads in confusion. They looked at each other and shrugged, and spoke in audibly low voices.
"Maybe he hasn't...I mean, he is just a kid. If he hasn't hit puberty yet, there's no reason for him to be shy, right?"
"Someone still should've talked to him about it."
"But Taemin has been raised by people like Key, who might want to keep him in the dark."
They looked at Taemin simultaneously and patted his shoulders.
"Guys, you know I'm six-"
"It's okay, sweetie. We want to be parents. We know what we're doing."
"Yes, hyung?" Taemin repressed tears and fears.
"When a man and woman...or a woman and a woman...or a man and a man...love each other very much..."
"Like us," offered Eunhyuk.
"-those people might do things together." Donghae paused and coughed. "You take it from here, love."
"You had a sister."
"Well, Taemin...is a girl too, so I thought that you might know how to talk to him better..."
Taemin's jaw dropped slowly, and then he started to cry.
Eunhyuk cupped his hands around Donghae's ear and whispered something.
"Oh!" Donghae bit his lip. "Sorry. Taemin, I'm sorry."
"It's...it's okay, hyung..." Taemin bit the collar of his shirt and looked away.
Another long and awkward silence ensued.
"Well, in that case..." Donghae pulled out a small, sinister book. He leapt to his feet and punched the air triumphantly. "We can use this!"
"A book?" Taemin grimaced.
Donghae sat down next to him and slung a hopefully paternal arm around his shoulders.
"See, Taemin...this book has everything you need to know about the male body and how it will change! It even has a chapter on sex!"
"Don't worry! You'll be so much more prepared once you know!"
"He's right! We've been through this, remember, Taemin. We're knowledgeable."
"Page ooooonnnee..." Donghae opened the book.
Yoochun ran into a stream and slipped on the slippery rocks. He desperately pulled himself out of the stream just as Changmin leapt over it with his long legs of advantageous height.
"Wait!" Yoochun screamed. "Don't kill me, baby boy!"
Changmin gnashed his teeth in rage.
"Baby boy, you stay on my mind! Fulfill my fantasies, I think about you all the time, I see you in my dreams," sang Yoochun. Badly.
Changmin slugged him with a hundred percent force.
"You're pathetic!" Changmin spat. "I thought I curbed your lecherous nature back by being your stable boyfriend...but maybe I should just castrate you, eh? Can't trust you anywhere! Mm-mm no!"
Yoochun's head swam with the pain of his face's collision with Changmin's fist and he sniffled.
"Baby..." Yoochun began to cry.
"Don't you wibble at me." Changmin curled his lip in disgust. "From now on, I'm not your baby. We're breaking up!"
"No!" Yoochun said quickly. "I can explain!"
"I did it because I want to top!" Yoochun said in a rush. "I want to top with someone and you...are..."
"Is that all?"
"Yeah." Yoochun wiped away a trickle of blood from his nose.
"All you had to do was say so."
"What, so...?" Yoochun's expression grew into a lopsided grin. "I can be seme?"
"No." Changmin laughed again.
"FINE! THEN I'LL FIND SOMEONE I CAN BE SEME WITH!"
"Ha!" Changmin cackled and stood up. "Good luck."
Yoochun pushed himself to his feet and sneezed bloodily.
"Aghhchchkk...you hit too hard. That's another reason why I'm leaving you! You're too violent!"
"You'll be back."
"No." Yoochun wiped his face on his sleeve. "I'll find someone who isn't disgusted by me being in them!"
"But it is disgusting."
"SHUT UP!" Yoochun walked away, huffing angrily.
"This?" The witch doctor held up a fishing hook. "Yes."
"Is this what you wanted? A simple yes or no."
"I said say yes or no..."
"Idid!" Outsider kicked an imaginary bucket over. "No!"
"You speak too quickly to make any sound at all now...We have no choice! We must knit this scarf, or you will become so quick that the Guinness World Records book will be too slow to be able to find you and add you. You'll be too fast for anything. Anything."
"Yes. Here. Take these two knitting needles."
Outsider bit back his tears and took the needles from the witch doctor. They sat down together, and the witch doctor slowly taught Outsider the ways of knitting.
"Don't worry," the witch doctor said at some point. "You'll be okay. And once this is through, you'll have the skill of knitting! It's very useful! You can knit all sorts of things, like sweaters and hats and mittens!"
The witch doctor patted his shoulder.
"Best not to talk, my boy."
Outsider nodded sorrowfully.
[Next Part] Part Twenty One: Jaechul Stuff