Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks
Part: Nineteen (Chapters 181-190)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.
No persons named Kim Heechul were harmed in the making of this fic. Also, please point us in the direction of any places selling lacy pink handkerchiefs.
"Life couldn't get better!" sang Kangin as they paraded into the camp and into the figuratively open arms of the rest of their hunting party.
"HEY!" everyone shouted back, throwing their arms up in welcoming celebration.
"It's super time!" Kangin said. "Move aside, move aside. We have a super catch on this super day! Three deer."
"¡Es muy increíble, mi amigo del oso!" Se7en beamed.
"He thinks it's incredible," Yesung said softly.
Everyone jumped in surprise and shivered as a cold Yesung wind blew through.
"Why the hell are you here?!"
"I was here the entire time. The authors don't give me any fic time." Yesung crouched down in a corner built by two trees and drew circles on the ground with his fingertip.
"Fic? What authors?"
Yesung heaved a sigh. "Never mind. Just some jerks that think I'm only interesting when I'm with my other half."
"You have a boyfriend?" Se7en blinked. "When did you confess to Ryeowook?"
Kangin choked on his own saliva and Shindong pounded his back.
"Yesung!" Kangin sputtered. "You liked Ryeowook?"
"I'm not into incest."
"Incest?" Donghae blinked. "Are you implying something here?"
"What would I be implying, I wonder?"
"I really don't know."
"Well maybe that's best for you."
"Were you really here the entire time?" Lee Hyori asked, crouching down next to him and sympathetically tilting her head. "How come I didn't notice you?"
"Don't ask me. I'm handsome, cute, charming, suave, and hell, I'm beautiful. Not to mention what an amazing singer I am. The Devil himself pauses his nefarious plans to listen to me."
"You look like Lee Jun Ki."
"No, he looks like me."
"Oh well." Kangin shrugged and took out a can of pearl sapphire blue spray paint. "Glad to have you here, my son. Where were you on the plane?"
"Row 666, seat D."
"The plane was that big?" Eunhyuk blinked a few times.
"Maybe it was row 66."
Kangin painted an elaborate S on the first deer, an elaborate J on the second deer, and floundered in front of the third deer.
"What do we mark this one with?"
"M," Donghae said immediately.
"No, we're Super Trot."
"Super Junior Happy."
"No, use M!"
"You're completely outnumbered here, Donghae."
"I say we should use Trot, because deer trot through the forest!"
"We should use Happy because we're all in Happy! Except Donghae."
"Don't exclude me," Donghae said quietly, tugging on Eunhyuk's hand.
"No, no, no one's excluding you."
"Actually, with Heechul, we have an equal number of Trot members!"
"M for meat!"
"I'm taking this moment to represent the subunit closest to my heart. KRY!" Yesung joined them around the deer.
"They may trot, but they do so happily."
"And they end up as meat!"
"Does no one care about KRY?"
"I say we use Happy, because this is also such a happy experience. And we're trigger happy!"
"Okay, shut up." Se7en said. "My iPhone says you've been arguing for seven minutes!"
"Oh my god, you have an iPhone too?!" Yunho gasped.
"I have seven iPhones!"
"If I weren't a taken man, I would date you."
"Thanks, Yunho, but I have Bb..."
"I can have Chula couple break you, if you want."
"What if we used all three initials?" Kangin pursed his lips.
"You're just skipping KRY?"
"How come your initial goes first?"
"Because I'm a filial son," Donghae said. "It's a perfect acronym for Mom Hates Trapping!"
"Oh, Donghae!" Kangin wiped away a tear. "You're so kind. Mommy does hate trapping! Especially bear trapping. I truly am proud to have raised a son as wonderful as you. I'll take a photograph of it and show it to Mommy when we get home. Mommy will cry of happiness because of you!"
"Speaking of family, where's Chula?"
"Oh my god! We forgot her!"
Kangin painted MHT onto the last deer and rolled towards the forest again.
"Ow!" Taemin tripped over Heechul and fell into Key's awaiting arms.
"Oh, Taemin! Are you okay?"
"I..." Taemin stared up into the older boy's face, and the world grew shimmery and bubbly. "Y-yes."
"Thank goodness," Key whispered. "I thought...Oh, Taemin!"
"CHULA! OH, GOD, NO!" Jaejoong shrieked and fell to his knees. "WAKE UP! WAKE UP, MY DARLING SCHNOOKEMS!"
Key and Taemin looked at Heechul's prone form.
"UNNI!" Taemin pushed Key away and dropped onto the ground beside Heechul. In seconds, he was sobbing and verbally shooting himself with a machine gun of guilt for tripping over her.
"Is it my fault?! It's my fault, isn't it?"
"No!" Key hugged Taemin from behind and stared with tears in his eyes at Heechul's body. "Nothing is your fault!"
"Oh, Key." Taemin blushed and shyly touched Key's arms with his slender fingers of ukeness.
They looked up at Yoochun, who was shaking his boot and sending bits of brown ooze everywhere.
"Stop that, honey! That's dirty! Just wipe it off!" Changmin scolded.
"What the hell is that?" Key asked.
"Is it...blood?" Jaejoong whispered, holding his wife close. "Are you bleeding, Chula baby?!"
Heechul made no comment.
Yoochun lifted his foot to his nose in a feat of unexpected flexibility.
"Honey, don't do that."
"But it...also kinda smells like...a sundae."
"What?" Everyone stared at Yoochun.
"It smells like chocolate. Like a delicious banana split."
"A banana split..." Key looked at Taemin, who looked at him with innocent deer-like eyes.
Kangin tripped over Heechul and Jaejoong and collided with Taemin and Key.
Kangin pushed himself up off of Taemin and hawked a loogie.
Taemin stared at Kangin with wide eyes and clapped his hands over his mouth. Everyone was silent, and Taemin's eyes slowly began to shimmer with tears. Key sat to the side, frozen like a statue.
"Did you just kiss him?" Yoochun broke the silence. "Pfft."
"It's not my fault that I fell on them." Kangin took out his cellphone and took a picture of Taemin and the scene, inclusive of the path he'd taken and where Heechul lay.
"T...Taemin." Key looked at him, his eyes wide with shock. "He kissed you?"
Taemin nodded, and his shoulders shook with quiet sobs.
"Oh, grow up. I said I was sorry." Kangin put the phone away.
"Just shut up!" Key yelled at Kangin. "That was his first kiss!"
"Well, now he can stop worrying about who to give it to. Ha!" He looked at Heechul's unconscious form in Jaejoong's arms and smirked. "I get another point! Stay unconscious and I'll catch up with you."
"What do you mean?" Jaejoong raised an eyebrow.
"Nothin' you need to know about. I guess you don't use the internet."
"Only Changmin does."
"Hey. I do not do that anymore. I have a boyfriend."
"Would you guys shut up?" Key stood up. "Just go away."
"What are you so upset about?"
"That was..." Key wiped his eyes and looked down at Taemin. "That wasn't supposed to happen."
Taemin sat up quickly. "Key."
"Don't talk right now."
"I said to be quiet!"
"Hey." Kangin kicked Key's shin. "Be nice."
"OW! The fuck! You're not my dad, okay?! Go away, old man!"
Kangin took out a bar of soap and shoved it into Key's mouth.
"Teach you to talk back to me, son!" Kangin clapped his mouth over Key's and Key's eyes bulged with horror. "Mhmm. Original scent! Tastes nasty, don't it? That's how your cursing sounds to my ears, you ruffian."
"Let go of him!" Taemin cried. "Don't hurt him!"
Changmin giggled. "Kangin, I like you."
"Sunbaenim!" Taemin cried. "Don't let him poison Key!"
"Poison? This stuff is child safe."
"Key isn't a child!"
"Who told you that?"
Kangin twisted Key's lips. "So you're a predator!"
"Alright, alright. Spit it out."
Key spat out a tiny bit of soap, roughly one tenth of the size of the original bar.
"You ate it?"
"It melted! Oh, god, I think I'm going to die."
Taemin clutched at Key's belt. "No! Key, no!"
"Taemin." Key fell to his knees and hugged him. "I'm sorry I didn't fall on top of you!"
"I wanted you to have my first kiss," Taemin sobbed.
"Can I still have your first time?"
"No sex, Key, or I'll call the police." Kangin kicked his ankle. "No molestation, either. Actually, you know what? Stand up, you vagrant."
"I'm not a vagrant."
"I said, stand up." Kangin pulled Taemin away from Key and started dragging Key by the ear back towards camp. "Jaejoong! Carry Chula back to camp with me!"
Kangin stopped. "What did you say?"
Kangin narrowed his eyes. "Son."
Jaejoong picked Chula up and started following him back. Taemin sniffled and followed Jaejoong, and Yoochun and Changmin followed Taemin.
"Y...Yes?" Jaejoong said hesitantly.
"Chula swears like a drunken sailor at times. It's up to you to make sure your baby doesn't grow up to be a drunken sailor."
"Good. And I'm sure that you'll be a witness in case some idiot tells my wife that I accidentally made lip contact with a teenage boy, and tell her the truth. I tripped over you and fell awkwardly."
"No one will have trouble believing that that happened, Kangin," Changmin said and coughed. "The tripping part."
"Oh my," Se7en exclaimed. "I thought that the woods seemed shinier than normal!"
"OH, SHINEE!" Yunho exclaimed, his glasses glinting in the dim light.
"Sunbaenim!" Taemin stumbled forward and hugged Yunho, who lifted him up and spun him around as if he were his long lost nephew.
Lee Hyori looked at Taemin's legs and pursed her lips.
"Sunbaenim!" Taemin sobbed, holding onto Yunho's neck. "I missed you!"
"Taemin!" Key gasped. "Why are you clinging to him?"
"Oh, Key!" Yunho gasped. "You're here too? Kangin, why are you holding onto his ear like that?"
"Listen up, cubs!" Kangin barked, tossing Key into the center of the camp. "This boy gets jail time, and there's no key to unlock him. Keep an eye on him at all times! Don't let him near Taemin at any cost!"
"Huh?" Yesung looked up from his DS. "Imprison Key? Imprison...Key? Isn't that kind of a weird concept?"
"Who cares? Would you mind, son?"
"No problem. Daesung." Yesung looked at Daesung.
"Who are you calling Dad?" Yesung smacked Daesung. "Help me keep Key in jail."
Daesung blushed. "Sorry! Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay. Key, come here."
Jaejoong broke through the brush and tripped over a jar of miracle whip, causing Heechul's head to collide with a deer.
"Sweet dill pickles of Galaxy Quest! Sparkleflower, are you alright?!" Yunho lowered Taemin to the ground and sped over to his best friend. "Sweetie!"
"TULIPS!" Lee Hyori screamed and cartwheeled over to Heechul. "What's the matter?"
"Looks like head trauma to me. And what's that on the corner of her mouth?" Se7en peered over the two women. "Is that blood?"
"No, it's chocolate!"
"What did you feed her?!" Jaejoong gasped, standing up and tripping over another deer.
"N-nothing!" Lee Hyori looked at Yunho.
"Yunho!" Jaejoong narrowed his eyes. "Tell the truth!"
"She...she drank an entire bottle of chocolate syrup!"
Jaejoong blinked a few times. "Like, the entire thing?"
"Right? We totally didn't expect that..."
"Did it have folic acid in it?"
"No...why do you two care so much about that?"
Jaejoong tried to push his glasses up his nose before he exposed how smart he was, but he wasn't wearing them, so he only managed to poke himself in the eye.
"It's good for pregnancy," Se7en said. "I wrote about it in my book."
"Ohhh." Yunho and Lee Hyori nodded.
"How d'we skin ah deer, yo?"
Se7en held up a book. G-dragon and T.O.P. squinted at it.
"'Seven Ways to Prepare Game and Poultry'?"
"Well done, Jiyong! You spoke normally!"
"Tha's cause it's a book title, yo! That'd be like messin' up thah Macarena! Ah jis can' do it, no no!"
"The Macarena!" Se7en giggled seven times.
"Ah, yo? Yah know it?"
"Jiyong." Se7en clapped his shoulder seven times. "One of my seven citizenships is in Spain."
"Someone mention dancing?" Eunhyuk's eyes glinted as he and Donghae joined the Se7en plus Big Bang huddle.
"W'suuuuuup." T.O.P. waved.
"Heeeeeeeey, Macarena!" Donghae bit his lip and waved back.
"I'm a dancer!"
"So am I!"
"We're all dancers!"
"Well, we are all idols of successful groups! We have to be dancers!"
"Dassa truth, yo!"
"Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm." Se7en nodded. "Do you know the Macarena?"
"Oh! Oh! I know the Macarena! And the YMCA!"
"YMCA!" Se7en pinched Donghae's cheek. "Do you really?"
"Sure! I even know that the Macarena is Spanish! Se7en, es un baile fabuloso!"
"You truly are a dolphin," Se7en said, positively gleaming with appreciation. "Dolphins are smart!"
"He's a fish, Se7en." Eunhyuk coughed.
"You may want to rethink that," Se7en said, taking out a Sharpie and drawing a mustache on Donghae's upper lip. "Fish are prey!"
"This fish is too cute to be hunted." Eunhyuk winked at Se7en, who winked back seven times. "And you look so good with facial hair, sweetie! Like a sexy bandido!"
"Arrrrrrrrrribaaaa!" Donghae said, checking his neck for gills.
"How is he these days?" Daesung asked, sitting down next to Yesung with Key in between them. "I haven't seen him in a while."
"He misses you."
"Do you see him a lot?"
"Who are you talking about?" Key asked.
"No one. Shut up. You're in jail. Haven't you ever played Monopoly?"
"What's wrong with you? Aren't you a kid?"
"Oh. Wow. Kids grow up so fast." Yesung began to peel a banana. "Makes me sad."
"I'm still..." Daesung sighed and shook his head. "Maybe I should call him."
"I think he'd like that."
"Is he around right now?"
Yesung looked at his watch. "Probably, since I'm here."
"So I could call him now?"
"You remember his number?"
"D-" Daesung coughed. "Dat's like the easiest number to remember."
"True." Yesung smirked and bit off a piece of the banana.
"Who are you calling?" Key glowered at them.
"What do you call you and Taemin, Key?" Yesung asked. "Minkey?"
"Minkey want a banana?"
Key's lip quivered. "Don't be like this."
Daesung dialed a suspicious number. Six seconds went by and then Daesung's face split into a huge smile.
"I'm okay," he said. "How are you?"
Yesung looked at Daesung and smiled with surprising softness. Key tried to steal Yesung's banana while he wasn't looking and Yesung kept it out of his reach.
"I love you too," Daesung said, wiping away a tear. "I miss you. Yeah, I'll come visit soon. I promise."
"Tell him that you shot a deer for him."
"Oh! Yeah, I shot a deer for you. Did you get the thing from it? Oh, no? It was a good deer? Rats. I feel kind of bad now."
"Don't sweat it," Yesung said. "It was fate."
"Uh...Yesung...says that it was fate. Was it fate?" Daesung bit his lip. "It really was? Okay. Thanks!"
"Does he want to talk to me?"
"Do you want to talk to him? What do you mean, who? Him!" Daesung laughed. "Okay, here you go. Bye!"
He handed the phone to Yesung.
"Hey," Yesung said, tossing the banana peel over his shoulder carelessly. "How are you? I'm fine. Mmmhmmmmm. I know, he is, isn't he? No, I didn't remind him. He remembered on his own."
Daesung looked at Yesung in surprise. Yesung winked.
"Yes, as soon as I get back. I know it's not going anywhere. I'll bring him too, if he wants to come. Okay, bye. Have fun."
Yesung hung up and sighed, giving the phone back to Daesung.
"He's lovely, isn't he?"
"I hate you guys" Key whined loudly. "You won't include me at all."
"Ah, shut up."
"Will she wake up?" Lee Hyori blew her nose into a lacy pink handkerchief. "Oh, god, it's my fault."
"It's mine too," said Yunho, blowing his nose into a lacy pink handkerchief.
"It's mine too," said Taemin, blowing his nose into a lacy pink handkerchief.
"Chula Baby." Jaejoong sobbed and adjusted him on his lap. "Wake up."
"Should we go to a hospital?"
"It'll be dark soon! It's too dangerous. There could be bears!"
"Unni." Taemin crawled forward and took Heechul's hand. "I'm sorry I tripped over you."
Donghae came into the tent with Eunhyuk and looked at Heechul.
"Damn." He bit his fist and pulled out a lacy pink handkerchief. "This is my fault."
"Don't use that, sweetheart. The ink will smudge." Eunhyuk gently took the handkerchief from him and sat down with him.
"What do you mean it's your fault?" Jaejoong asked Donghae's mustache.
"I tripped over her."
"What?! You did, too? And what happened?" Lee Hyori gasped, waving her handkerchief at him.
Donghae looked at Eunhyuk, who blew his nose into the lacy pink handkerchief.
"Our deer collided with her head."
"You mean...you knocked her out?" Jaejoong sniffled. "And you just left her there?"
"I'm sorry," Donghae sobbed. "I'm sorry. My muscles are too weak."
"No, it's not you, it's me," Eunhyuk sobbed, curling his arms around Donghae's neck. "I'm skinnier than you are!"
"If only we'd...gone to the gym more often!"
"I should have lifted weights!"
"That's cardio...that's...that's heart training."
"Our hearts are strong! Hyukjae, I'll stick with you through this hard time!"
They sobbed in each other's arms, and the rest of them sobbed sobs of forgiveness as they witnessed their words of commitment and loving support.
"Eunhae!" Jaejoong sniffled, looking up at the tent ceiling and imagining the sky beyond it. "Why so beautiful?!"
Donghae sniffed and let go of Eunhyuk.
"I thought this was Haehyuk."
"This is definitely Eunhae."
"Mmmmmmyeeeeeees," the witch doctor said as he finished combing the wool. "It is time."
The witch doctor shrugged and handed him the wool.
"You must spin it with love and slowness. Spend no more than a small amount of time a day on it."
"Oh...Seven minutes or so."
"Because." The witch doctor smiled. "One of our most revered persons is the embodiment of the sevens. They are holy and meaningful. Mmmyes, this is the right amount of time. I can feel it."
The witch doctor sighed. "One word at a time."
"I don't know why he doesn't know you."
Outsider shook his hands furiously.
"Perhaps if you practice spinning for seven minutes each day, he will come to know your presence in his seven hearts."
"I can't understand you."
Outsider blew his nose into a lacy pink handkerchief.
"There, there. Soon this will be over, and you will resume normal speed."
Outsider steeled his nerves and began to spin the magical alpaca wool.
Behind the Fic Special!