Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks
Part: Eighteen (Chapters 171-180)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.
There are two possible reasons that this is late. It's up to you to decide which one is more plausible.
1. aidenrose suddenly has a lot of studying to do and her copy of Super Show arrived, thus absorbing more of her time with its awesomeness.
2. Today is Key's birthday in Korea. It's special. We waited.
Heechul swooned in the center of the group campground and declared his woe through wracking sobs and moans. Lee Hyori bent over him and fanned his face frantically.
"It's the circle of life, Heechul!"
"No!" Heechul sobbed. "No, no, no. I killed the mother of someone's baby! I can't do this!"
"Have a child!"
"Of course you can! D-...don't be silly!"
"I'm not fit!" he rolled over on the ground and wept pitifully, inhaling bits of grass and dirt. "I can't!"
"Sparkleflower, you can," Yunho said as he slung the deer's corpse over his shoulder and attempted to dance to Purple Line with it there until Lee Hyori's glare made him stop.
"Baby," Lee Hyori said, stroking Heechul's head. "Calm down."
"How can I calm down?! Its cells are multiplying and I'm not ready-y-y-y! I can't even drown my sorrows with rum!"
"Well...well...wait until...Jaejoong gets here before you do anything stupid!"
"Like what?!" Heechul spat out a leaf and sat up. "And who needs him?! He might even...he might even..."
"HE MIGHT EVEN BE GLAD TO BE RID OF ME AND THE BABY!" Heechul howled.
"DON'T SAY THAT."
"I KNOW JAEJOONG, AND HE IS LOYAL AND DEDICATED!" Yunho shook Heechul's shoulders.
"E--..." Yunho stroked his chin and looked up at the canopy of dark and sinister foliage. "To..."
"No, he's dedicated and loyal!" Lee Hyori said, nodding furiously. "He's dedicated and loyal to you!"
"No, no," Yunho said. "He's dedicated and loyal to his voice!"
"How can you be loyal to your own voice?!"
"You can be! It means you'll never think anyone else's voice is prettier!"
"...My god. He is loyal to it! You're right!"
"And he's loyal to you, too!"
"Lock 'n load!" T.O.P. whispered, aiming at it.
"No!" Se7en hissed. "No, no, no, no, no, no!"
"It's only the third one!"
"Seventh one's a charm!"
"You're sitting in a tree!"
"Sah? It takes work, yo!"
"What if we don't see seven deer, eh?"
"Yea! I'm hungry, hyung!"
"Boys." Se7en readjusted himself on his tree branch and looked at each of them seven times. "We'll see seven deer."
They watched as four more deer came into view.
"Magic!" T.O.P. mouthed at Se7en.
"Which one can we go for?"
"The seventh one!"
"Which one is that?!"
"The last one that we saw!"
"...Which one was that?!"
"Shi', man, le's jus' own one!"
"This is important in seven ways, yo!" Se7en snapped silently. "Daesung!"
"You do it. I see the hunter's prowess in your small yet oddly attractive eye!"
"I have two eyes, hyung!"
"I know you do. I know. It's an expression."
"Which deer is it?"
"The one that is seven feet away from that tree on the left, and seven inches away from the bush to the right!"
"That's too hard!"
"The one at seven o'clock."
Daesung aimed and fired.
"That's not how you hold it, idiot."
"Excuse me? You're calling me names now?"
"No, I'm just saying your name."
"Yoochun!" Jaejoong looked at Yoochun for support.
"Sorry, I'm with him now."
"Wha...wha...What happened to Jaechun?!"
"We're still best friends. I'd still stay up with you and talk heart to heart in the dark. In the same bed."
Changmin looked up from his weapon. "You would?"
"He's straight." Yoochun jabbed a thumb at Jaejoong.
"I am not!"
They stared at him.
"I mean, no. Sorry. I'm just getting into the habit of denying whatever you say about me because you usually say mean things! Anyway, I know how to hold a gun, okay?!"
"You really don't. You're gay?"
Jaejoong blushed. "No! And yes I do! You hold it like this!"
He demonstrated by hefting his rifle up onto his shoulder and holding it like a bazooka.
"Who in the hell taught you to hold it like that?"
"I saw it in the movies!"
"Who do you like?" Yoochun asked, licking his finger.
"I'm talkin' about your guy crushes, Jae."
"My what?" Jaejoong dropped the gun onto his toe. "OW!!! GOD, DAMN IT. I don't fucking have any crushes on dudes, okay?!"
"What are the stages to orientation acceptance, Changmin?"
"First stage...tsk, tsk." Yoochun shook his head. "Second stage is better for real."
"YOU GUYS! SHUT UP! I LOVE MY WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!"
"Would you shut the hell up?!" said a new voice.
They turned around to look face to face with Key and Taemin of SHINee. They gasped. Key gasped.
"Sunbaenim!" Taemin whimpered. "Sorry! We thought you were the three stooges, out for a day of disrupting other people's hunting opportunities!"
Key slapped his hand over Taemin's mouth.
"Uh, we mean...Sunbaenim, you're so pretty!"
"Call your mother!" Kangin chortled, slinging his prize over his shoulders. "Tell her we shot three for thirteen!"
"Thirteen?" Donghae looked up from tying the second deer's legs together. "Thirteen...?"
"I know, but...thirteen?" he blinked and looked at Eunhyuk, who shrugged. "Are we really that many?"
"I thought we were twelve..." Shindong said, grasping the neck of their third deer and hefting it up over his shoulder.
"Kyuhyun made us thirteen."
"Ah," Kangin smiled painfully. "The unplanned child. Kids, when you get married...use protection."
"Don't talk to us about sex, Dad."
"I feel that it is my role as father to te-"
"Don't you love Kyuhyun?"
"I do! Oh, I do! He's my beloved little boy. Even though he is snarky and...a better singer than me..."
"So am I."
"You're not snarky," Eunhyuk said, sliding a long branch between the deer's legs and lifting it up with Donghae. "Wow, Donghae. Way to go! This really does work! It's just like Peter Pan!"
Donghae winked and looked back at Kangin. "I meant that I sing better than you."
"Back to the issue," Shindong said as they began to walk back towards their camp. "Thirteen..."
"Wait, wait! I just remembered! It's Kibum, right?"
"Kibum?" Kangin said slowly. "Why does that name seem familiar?"
"Huh..." Donghae looked back at Eunhyuk. "Do we know someone by that name?"
"I wanna say we do, but...I just can't remember!"
"But we know a Kimbum!"
"Right! Oh, I love that drama."
"Well, I hate it."
"Well, I hate you."
"I love you," Donghae said to Eunhyuk.
"I love meat."
"Boys," Kangin sighed. "You know what I wish?"
"I wish that your mother didn't watch dramas."
"What do you want to watch instead?"
"What are you doing out here? Can you guys even own guns?"
Key and Taemin shrugged.
"Are you here illegally?"
"No, sunbaenim! We are here with our great protector's permission!"
"Lee Soo Man." Taemin exchanged an ardor-filled glance with Key.
"Okay, but...How did you get guns? Taemin, how old are you? Twelve?"
"No, I don't follow Super Junior. I love you, sunbaenim!"
"Don't lie," Key said, poking Taemin's ribs.
"Well, I love...I love..." Taemin bit his lip. "I love Heechul-unni!"
"Eh?" Jaejoong blinked. "You like my wife?"
Taemin blushed. "Love unni."
"Love her like how?"
"Worship," Key said. "He's even following her gender change."
"I was wondering if his Korean was just bad..." Changmin coughed.
Taemin blushed more and Key pinched his cheek. "Cheer up."
"It suits me better!" Taemin said. "I mean, look at me...my legs..."
Yoochun nodded. "Very girly."
"Please don't talk about his body, sunbaenim," Key said to Yoochun. "It makes me feel kind of icky."
"Why? He said to look at him."
"You're greasy, sunbaenim."
"What?" Yoochun gasped. "I am not!"
"In defense of Yoochun, I'm switching the subject. Taemin sweetie," Jaejoong said.
"Chula is here with us."
"K-k-k-k-k-key smash!" Taemin stammered.
"Please don't smash me," Key said. "I'm delicate."
"Key," Yoochun said, winking at him and unleashing the terror of his English. "You are the key my heart!"
"Hey." Changmin turned on Yoochun. "Stop flirting with younger guys."
"But his name is Key. Think about that for a second."
"Stop flirting with younger guys," Key said. "I'm not into greasy old guys. I like younger men."
"How can anyone be younger than you?"
"I'm not that young! And...Taemin is younger."
"Key! Do you like me!?"
"I'm just saying that...I could unlock you..."
"Why do we even have this?" Heechul stared at the offered bottle of chocolate syrup.
"What kind of emergencies?"
"You prepare for meltdowns?"
"How better to fix a meltdown than with some melty chocolate syrup?"
"It melts in your mouth," Lee Hyori put in.
"It's already melted. This is melted chocolate."
"How better, Sparkleflower?"
"I don't know...it will make me fat!"
"Drink the chocolate, Sparks."
Heechul took the bottle. "Does this have folic acid in it?"
"If it does I'll feel less guilty."
"It does. It totally does. Lots of it."
"If you're lying, I'll ruin your diet."
"You wouldn't do that, sweet."
"I would. You know I would. I can be vicious." Heechul paused to wipe his tears. "I can be so vicious. Killing mother deer...God...I just...I hate..."
"Drink the syrup."
He uncapped the bottle and poured the syrup straight into his mouth. Lee Hyori and Yunho watched in suppressed horror as he drained the bottle like a pirate drains his bottle of grog.
"Ew," Heechul gasped, smacking his lips. "That was disgusting."
"I feel sick."
Yunho took the bottle from him. "You just...drank all of this..."
"How many calories was that?" Yunho took out his glasses of mathematical ability and put them on.
"Too many," Heechul moaned. "I think I might hurl."
"Go into the bushes!"
"Into the bushes!"
"Seven hundred and seventy! And I see the camp! Is that Yunho I spy with my seventh eye?"
"Is he wearing glasses?"
"He is. He must be doing arithmetic! Tell me Se7en's multiplication table as we take these last seven steps, Jiyong!"
"Ahs good at math, yo! Seven times one is seven, my heaven! Seven times two it fourteen, poutine! Seven times three is twenty-one, jis like me! Seven times four is twenty-eight, I jis ate! Seven times five is thirty-five, mah gawd, that rhymes on its own! Seven times six is forty-two, Se7en is no fool! Seven times seven is forty-nine, oh, oh, be mine!"
"You're so talented, Jiyong."
"Honeys! We're home!" T.O.P. called, grabbing the attention of Lee Hyori and Yunho. "Where's Heech?"
"Chula the Rulah!" T.O.P. said. "The Queen."
"Uh...she's..." Lee Hyori twirled a lock of her hair around her finger. "Busy."
"Oh well," Se7en said. "We brought meat!"
"So did we."
Se7en lowered his deer, spray-painted a green seven onto its side, and then they proceeded to compare their kills.
"Daesung was more accurate. Who shot yours?"
"Chula shot a mother deer?"
"How do you know it was a mother?"
"I'm a mother. Mothers know. How do you think Chula knew, eh?"
"Se7en, you're not a mother..."
"I was the mother of seven children seven lives ago."
"You remember your past lives?"
"Only the last seven."
"So that's why you know so much?"
"That's only the seventh reason why."
"So...any hunting tips?"
"Yes. Silence is key."
"It's key," said Key.
"Are you guys experienced at this?" Jaejoong leaned on his gun.
"We're master hunters," Taemin said. "Who all is with you?"
"Everyone," Jaejoong said, wincing. Changmin rolled his eyes and reeled off names.
"You invited Big Bang?"
"No, Se7en invited Big Bang, Key."
"How come there aren't more girls with you?" Key asked. "I thought you liked SNSD."
"We aren't allowed to like girls, Key."
"You're joking, right?"
"No. I broke TVXQ law when I got married."
"What's your punishment? Jail time?"
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes. "I'm not going behind lock and key."
"Is it me, or are you guys saying 'key' a lot?"
"It's you. We like you, Key."
"You just said it again. Don't wear out my name, please."
"SNSD don't like me," Taemin said softly, looking down at his slender calves. "Neither do the Wonder Girls."
"Why wouldn't they just adore you?"
"I think they're intimidated by me."
"You? Intimidating?" Changmin tittered.
"My legs are prettier than theirs."
"Key word there is 'prettier'...I see. So they're jealous of you?"
"Actually, the reason we're here is to feed Taemin meat and help him beef up."
"Even though I feel it's kind of hopeless...I think I'm doomed to become more and more feminine."
"You're pretty adorable, though."
"Thanks, sunbaenim." Taemin smiled shyly.
"So, what now? Do we go back to hunting? Or shall we go back to camp and find Chula?"
"I want to see unni!"
Jaejoong linked arms with Taemin and began to lead the way back to camp.
Donghae tripped over Heechul, and the deer collided with Heechul's head.
"Oh my god! What happ- CHULA?!"
"Get the deer off of her! Quickly! Are you okay, Chu- EW! What is that?" Donghae jumped back. "Is that blood?"
"Has someone murdered my daughter?" Kangin roared, stepping forward and looking at the spot Donghae and Eunhyuk were staring at.
"What is that?" he cringed. "Shindong? C'mere. Analyze!"
Shindong stepped forward and looked at it. "It's vomit."
"It's vomit? What the hell did she eat? So much..."
"It looks like chocolate."
They looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, and then looked down at Heechul.
"Is she alive?"
Donghae nudged him with his foot. "Chula?"
"HELL NO." Kangin stomped his foot. "SHE IS NOT DEAD! YOUR MOTHER WILL DIVORCE ME IF SHE'S DEAD."
"She looks dead, though," Shindong said, sniffing and putting a hand over his heart.
"Wait a second. Put the deer down, darling. Let's take a look at her." Donghae and Eunhyuk lowered the deer to the ground to the side, and Donghae crouched over Heechul.
He turned her onto her back and put his hand over her chest.
"Dude...you can't just touch her boobs."
"I'm feeling for a heartbeat."
"If she wakes up she'll kill you."
"I don't feel a heartbeat."
"Maybe all the implants are in the way? Touch her neck instead. Seriously, remove your hand. Don't make me a widower."
"She's my sister! Completely platonic!" Donghae touched the side of Heechul's neck. They all stared at him with baited breath as he squinted his eyes and concentrated on finding a pulse.
"She's..." he looked up at Eunhyuk and bit his lip. "She's not..."
"She's not dead."
"Phew!" Kangin wiped his brow.
"Do you think we knocked her out?"
"Is she sleeping?"
"What do we do with her now?"
"Eh, leave her here. We'll come back once we drop off our deer."
"Couldn't Donghae or Eunhyuk carry her? Does it really take both of you to carry the deer?"
Kangin snorted with laughter. "They lack muscles."
"We're thin," Eunhyuk sniffed.
Outsider sat down with the witch doctor in a field of alpacas.
"Here are the alpacas you will need."
The witch doctor held up a hand, and Outsider sniffed and wiped a tear away.
"Try to say it again."
"The wool, yes. These are the magic alpacas of appropriate speed."
"No. I will do this for you."
"After we have the wool, we will take it up that mountain, and slowly spin it into a fine thread," the witch doctor said. "After that, we will spend one hour a day and slowly knit it into a scarf."
"Are you a fast learner, too?"
Outsider nodded and the witch doctor winced.
"Fine. We will crochet the scarf. Then we will bless it, and when you wear it, you will be cured of your curse."
"Absolutely. The alpacas have never failed us before."
"Stay here and contemplate on moderate speed."
The witch doctor stood up and nodded, pretending to have understood.
Outsider sighed and checked his cellphone for a signal. But in the deep mountain valleys of Peru, there was no signal for him. He sighed. At least he was away from the fast life, for now.
[Next Part] Not So Slippery Banana Peels