Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks
Part: Seventeen (Chapters 161-170)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.
This one time, I was walking through the deep American woods, and I saw a deer stand and a deer attracting device hanging from a tree. I didn't worry about being mistaken for a turkey, but...this other time, I was walking through the deep American fields, and I was told to leave because people hunt deer there, and as everyone but me knew...teenage girls are easily mistaken to be deer.
"Okay," Kangin said, slinging his gun over his shoulder and sniffing in the early morning chill. They were deep in a woodland grove. "Listen up. We're not going to argue about this, and we're not going to even bother denying it. The fact is, some of you sound and look like turkeys. The air quality in America is such that even top officials mistake dudes for turkeys and shoot them. Let's not let that happen. Be serious and safe, and remember, we are not hunting turkeys. If one of you gets shot, my wife will put me through hell."
"Not literally, though."
"Who do you think Yesung likes more? Me or your mother?"
Donghae snorted with laughter. "Everyone loves Mom best, Dad."
"Nuh uh! I love you best, Dad," Shindong said, clapping his father on the back.
"Thanks, Son," Kangin said. "But my point is proved. If one of you gets shot...bad things will happen. So for my sake, and the sake of your bodily fluids, namely blood, don't get shot. Okay?"
Everyone murmured their agreement, and Kangin moved onto the next topic as the natural leader. Being a bear, he was at the top of two chains: the chain of command, and the food chain of the woodland creatures.
"We're splitting up in teams, as I'm sure some of you have already realized. My team consists of myself, and my three sons. We are DESK."
"DESK?" Changmin said, looking up from the barrel of his gun. "Isn't that kinda close to DBSK?"
"Not at all."
"Yeah it is. You stole our initials and replaced the B with a letter suspiciously close to B in appearance and sound. E!"
"Dude, you're thieves!"
"No we aren't. Our name is completely original. It stands for Deer and Elk Super Killers. What's yours stand for?"
"Deer Brutal Slaughterers Kompany," Yoochun said confidently. Everyone turned to stare at him.
"Honey," Changmin said quietly. "DBSK...not DBSC."
"Company is with a 'C', babe."
"No it's not. Kuh! Kuh! It's a kuh sound!"
"Anyway," Changmin said exasperatedly. "DBSK is me, Yunho, Jaejoong, and Yoochun? That seems fair. You guys have four members."
Yunho coughed. "I'm sticking with my girls."
"What? You three are a team!?" Jaejoong gasped. "Chula, no! I need you in my sights!"
"I'm more worried about you than me, Jaejae...and besides...We are..."
Yunho, Lee Hyori and Heechul grouped together and assumed an estrogen-powered pose.
"The Pop Queens!"
"And we..." Se7en said, loading his rifle with seven bullets. "Are SDTGOP, name courtesy of G-Deer."
"What the hell does that stand for?" Heechul asked, tightening his pink camouflage jacket.
"Supa Dupa Target Gettahs O' Poachin', yo!" G-Dragon said around a coffee lollipop.
"Why are we the only peaceful group?" Yunho wondered aloud, eyeing G-Dragon's lollipop.
"What's peaceful about hunting?" Kangin and Shindong said, buffawing.
"Ah hah, good point. We're here to be merciless and take out our frustrations!"
"Yes, yes. But we should set a cap on how many casualties we can cause."
"Seven," Se7en said. "No more, no less."
"Is that enough?" Shindong wondered.
"Dude, that's one deer for two people. That's a ton!"
"Do we even have enough barbeque sauce?"
"Chyeah we do. What do you think all those suitcases were for?"
"Naw man, Daesung be bringin' da sauce, yo! He's dat saucesome!"
"Is that too much?" Lee Hyori wondered, eyeing her waistline. "I'm still on a diet."
"Me too," Yunho said.
"Who says you guys gotta pig out, yo?" T.O.P said, fingering his gun pointedly. "Don't threaten the size of our meal."
"Yeah," Shindong said. "Don't come between us and the meat."
"Uh, chill, boys, okay?" Lee Hyori laughed. "It's cool."
"Anyway. That's fine with me. You can have your way, Se7en."
"Smokin'," G-Dragon smirked. "Hyung gets his way, yo!"
"Let's each pick a direction to walk in!"
"EAST!" Jaejoong, Changmin, and Yoochun shouted simultaneously.
"Let's go west!" G-Dragon shouted, whooping. Big Bang launched into a rap intro.
"Okay," Kangin said, turning to his one and only daughter. "Who wants north?"
"You mean, who wants south?"
"Whatever. Same deal."
Heechul, Yunho, and Lee Hyori looked at each other.
"Which is prettier?" Lee Hyori wondered aloud. Shindong rolled his eyes and leaned his head on Eunhyuk's shoulder for mental support.
"It's a direction, you guys."
"We'll take south. S for Sexy!"
"Hey," Donghae whispered as he and the rest of DESK crept through the woods. "Don't you think we're sexier than Heechul and his dumb idol friends?"
Kangin sniggered. "Yeah."
"We should have taken south. They're gonna think they're hot stuff."
Shindong coughed. "Being straight, I'd say that Lee Hyori can keep south."
"Shut up!" Kangin hissed. "We've gotta be veeeeeeery quiet!"
They crept in silence for about thirteen minutes before Donghae crept up behind Eunhyuk and tapped his shoulder.
"Hey," he hissed.
"What?" Eunhyuk hissed back.
"You look good in camouflage!" he snickered.
"Not as good as you!"
"Boys." Kangin came to a halt. "Let's face it. We're all sexy beasts in this camouflage. When we get home, we're talking to Father SM about getting a camouflage look for our next single, yes or no?"
"Now then," he whispered, resuming his creeping. "Be very very quiet! We're hunting deer!"
"I think we should climb up in a tree and wait for the deer to come."
"What? Why would that work?"
Donghae coughed. "Becau-ause...We brought...pheromones."
Kangin blinked. "Son, deer aren't attracted to you."
"Ew! Dad, no!"
"We brought deer pheromones! To attract the deer!"
"Oh. Ohhhhhh! Hahaha, Dad sees!" Kangin chortled. "Well, then. Haha! Well done, my son. None of the others will ever think of that."
"Hyukjae! Scout for trees!"
"A thorn pricked me!" Heechul whined. "Damn forests."
"That's why you should wear gloves!"
"No! That'll make my hands feel all weird."
"Then suck on your finger."
"I'm not having fun! My feet hurt! I'm tired!"
"Shhhhh. Deer will hear you and scatter, dear."
"Guys," Heechul moaned. "I'm pregnant for pity's sake. Let's stop and rest."
"Why don't we just stay in one place and wait for the deer to come?" Lee Hyori suggested.
"Fine," Yunho said. They sat down at the base of a tree and caught their breaths.
"God damn," Heechul wheezed. "Am I that out of shape?!"
"It's just 'cause of your pregnancy," Lee Hyori said, patting his hand. "You're beautiful, big girl."
"I said you're beautiful."
"What was that last bit? Did you call me fat? Girl, I got a gun on me!"
"No! I did not call you fat! I'm just...just...I meant your beauty is so big! It spans the entire globe! You outshine everyone, Sparkleflower!"
"Oh. Okay. Sorry."
"No, it's okay. I hear pregnancy can make you suspicious and stuff."
"God," Heechul moaned. "Don't get pregnant, you guys."
"Uh, I can't get pregnant," Yunho said, looking up from his pocket Twilight.
"...Good point. Princess Hyori...never mind, you know."
"Yeah, I know."
"Girls," Yunho said, sighing. "I miss Edward."
"You miss him? You haven't met him yet."
"I haven't met him in person yet! But in my heart...In my heart, I know him. And I miss him."
"We'll find him tomorrow," Heechul said. Or not.
"How does Edward hunt, Glitterpetal?" Lee Hyori asked, touching up her lip stick in a hand mirror.
"He is the most graceful thing ever! Leaping and sprinting through the wilderness which accents his pale lusty beauty so well, he moves with such speed that he almost flies. Nothing can outrun him, so feeding is no problem! He'll gracefully pounce upon his prey and sink his teeth into its flesh, drinking its blood to sustain his beautiful beautiful life and keep him safe for humans! His eyes will turn pale, crustacean yellow once he's drunk enough blood, and then he'll return to his loft and play the piano with elegance and feeling and grace."
Yunho sighed dreamily.
"I miss Chula," Jaejoong moaned.
"Stop being so love sick, Jaejoong."
"You're one to talk! The two of you always flaunting each other with your PDHs."
"What?" Yoochun looked at Changmin.
"I don't know what that is." Changmin shrugged.
"Public Display of Homosexuality, you guys. Get up to date with today's lingo!"
"Who says lingo anymore, Jaejoong?"
"...Yes...well...anyway. Do you think that if we sing to the deer, they'll come out?"
"A three-part-harmony to lure them out? Deer are suckers for nice voices. I know this because I follow J-rock."
"Uh? What does that have to do with anything?"
"You know that vampire?"
"Oh. Uh. Yes."
"His fanclub is called Deers."
"Yeah. They're suckers for his vibrato."
"Alright. What shall we sing?"
"Kiss the Baby Sky!"
"Why not Mirotic?"
"We should sing in English, in my opinion."
"My English sucks," Jaejoong said.
"No. His English sucks," Changmin said, pointing at Yoochun.
"Hey! What the hell, Changmin? I know English, okay?! What's your problem!"
"My problem is grammar and vocabulary, babe."
"Yeah, too true - you're the one that doesn't know English."
"Guys! Let's just sing Together, okay?!"
"No. I don't feel like being together right now. Let's scrap the idea."
"HEY! Don't bring me down!"
"Damn, hyung. You so smar'! I see deer prints everywhah!"
"I consulted seven oracles."
"Okay boys. To the trees!"
Se7en and Big Bang scattered and climbed into the trees.
"Hey!" Se7en hissed. "Say that you love Se7en-hyung seven times, and I'll know we can all hear each other!"
The susurrous sound of Big Bang whispering their love seven times to Se7en filled the air.
"Wha' now? We jiss wai' here 'till Bambi comes walkin' 'long?"
"Yes," Se7en said, pulling out seven pheromones. "I googled seven methods of deer-hunting. We'll use pheromones to attract them!"
"Hyung, you think stuff through. Allllllll the way through."
"It's cheating to rhyme with the same word, T.O.P."
"S'ok!" Se7en dropped the pheromones onto the ground between their trees. "Alright, now what were you saying, Jiyong?"
"I was sayin' that I thin' tha' you an Ah should go shoppin' fo' some fashion while we're here."
"I see, I see. Not a bad idea."
"I need a fresh look for mah solo album, yo!"
"Well, I don't see why the four of us can't go shop later!"
"Oh, yay!" Daesung said, waving at Se7en.
"Speaking o-- Was that a shot?"
"Seven bucks says that someone shot someone else," T.O.P said, saluting Se7en.
"I hope not seven times..."
"WOW, Dad! That was awesome!"
"AH HAH! AH HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Shindong and Kangin embraced over the corpse of their victim, guffawing and clapping each others' backs in victory. Donghae jumped down from his tree and joined them, and Eunhyuk hung from a tree branch and cheered.
"WE ARE...SUPER KILL-ERS!"
"Seriously, nice shot, Dad! You're so good at this!"
Kangin slapped his chest. "Of course!"
"Hide it! We'll wait for another one!"
They all laughed and started dragging the deer towards one of the trees. Like cheetahs, they dragged it up and slung it over a high branch, from where it stared down at them with sad deer eyes.
"Won't it take a while? We made a lot of noise."
"A good hunter lies in wait patiently. All top predators do this, boys. It's like debuting. You lie in wait and train for years before you strike and make a kill."
They nodded, and made themselves comfortable in their tree. Donghae stared up at the deer and chewed on a stick of bubblegum that he'd stolen from Sungmin.
"What kind of deer do you think she was?" he asked, watching Eunhyuk exercising his stomach muscles while hanging from the tree by his knees. "Like, do you think there's such a thing as a deer criminal?"
"Oh dude, we could be deer bounty hunters."
"Maybe we should rename our team?"
"Super Deer and Elk Killers."
"Why didn't we pick that one before?"
"Because DSEK sounds worse than DESK."
"Oh, that's right. Haha, you guys, what if we put some meat on Father SM's desk? Get it? A gift from DESK on his desk!"
"Good one," Eunhyuk laughed, making eye contact with Donghae as he blew a bubble.
"What if we see a bear?" Shindong asked.
"I don't trust my relatives," Kangin coughed. "They'll eat anything."
"So will you."
"That isn't true. I wouldn't eat a person."
"...We should get a plan in case we meet a bear," Donghae said, climbing down to where Eunhyuk was and inching closer to him. "Just in case."
"Shhhh," breathed Heechul, looking through his rifle's scope. "I see one."
"I want it!" mouthed Yunho, his eyes glinting with crazed enthusiasm. "I want to kill it and present it to Edward!"
"No!" Heechul mouthed back, returning his eye to the scope. "He's mine."
"She," Lee Hyori whispered.
"Same difference. Hot damn, she looks nutritious and delicious."
"Ear plugs!" Lee Hyori whispered, putting her own in and then covering Heechul's delicate ears with her delicate hands.
Heechul's finger curled over the trigger and he pulled it ferociously.
But nothing happened.
"The fuck?" Heechul looked at his gun and shook it. He pulled the trigger again. "S'wrong with it?"
"Let me try!" Yunho hissed.
"No. You can get the next one. I get the first kill."
"Turn the safety off."
"Oh, you're kidding me..." Heechul switched it off and aimed again. "Guns are meant to fire, geez."
"It's so you don't shoot yourself in the foo-"
Heechul fired, and the deer collapsed. The three of them stared at the spot where it had been standing for a few seconds as the sound of the shot echoed through the woods.
"HELL YEAH!" Heechul yelled, standing up and waving his gun in the air.
"Woah, woah, put the safety back on!"
"Oh, right. Sorry. HELL YEAH!" he yelled again, switching the safety on and leaving the gun on the ground. "Let's go look at it!"
They held hands and skipped towards it and squealed over the corpse.
"Oh em gee!" Yunho squealed, jumping up and down. "Can I bite it?!"
"Babycakes, you're not a vampire yet."
"True..." Yunho sighed.
"Guys?" Heechul said quietly.
"I don't feel so good anymore..."
"Look at her..." he sniffed. "I killed her...She was just...doing her own thing..."
"Oh, god, what if she was a mother?!"
"I KILLED A MOTHER!" he screamed, falling to his knees and clutching his face. "OH, GOD. I KILLED THE MOTHER OF A BABY DEER SOMEWHERE! I'M A MURDERER! I'M NOT...I'M NOT...I'M NOT FIT TO BE A MOTHER!"
"I don't think deer care what language you sing it in, okay?"
"Listen, dogs learn words from their masters. They learn the words you teach to them!"
"So you're saying that if you said sit in a different language than it learned, it wouldn't know what to do?"
"I don't think so. Dogs are smarter than that. They can hear what you want from the tone of your voice."
"No, they can't. They learn the words, okay? Korean dogs speak Korean, American dogs speak American."
"You mean English."
"Yeah, the language of America."
"What about Spanish?"
"What about it?" Changmin sighed exasperatedly.
"Well, a lot of people in America speak Spanish. What if the dogs are bilingual?"
"What if they are? We're talking about deer, anyway!"
"Let's just sing Hug. We had it in so many languages."
"Shit. I don't remember the English version of it."
"Well, let's just sing it in Korean. Maybe a lot of Koreans come through here and the deer get used to the language."
"I think they'll just appreciate our harmony, you know? It's not like the lyrics matter! It'll be the same as singing to our foreign fans!"
"Oh, I didn't think of that..."
"If we're singing cuddly songs, we should sing Heart, Mind, and Soul."
"You're My Melody!"
"No. I have a good idea," Yoochun said, rubbing his hands together. "I will sing My Girlfriend."
"Why would that attract deer, dude?"
"Because! We are hunting female deers!"
[Next Part] 2400 Calories of Comfort