恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,
恵真
aidenrose
interrobangfics

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Sixteen

Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Authors: [info]aidenrose and [info]tvxqsocks
Part: Sixteen (Chapters 151-160)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.

Just so you know, we love Canada. Really. New layout! WOOOOOOOOO!!! :'D (We're sorry this is a day late!!! ;_; )

And in case you didn't know, and might be interested, we've started a serious DeSung series (we just love it that much) called Forever. First chapter is here.

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-one:

"Ugh," Heechul moaned. "This baby."
"What's it doing to you?"
"It's stealing all my nutrients and making me feel like throwing up in our car."
"Please don't do that, baby."
"Which baby? Me or the baby?"
"Uh...Both."
"I will try. I don't want to ruin this beautiful dress."
"Gotta look good for the stalkers, am I right?!"
"You're right, Jaejae. You're right."
"Ameeeeeeerica, the beeeaaaauuuutiful," sang Jaejoong, tapping the steering wheel with his fingers. Heechul batted at the bubblegum scented car freshener like a cat.
"God," he sighed. "I miss Heebum."
Jaejoong stiffened in his seat.
"Oh...oh yeah?" he said nervously.
"I miss his chillaxness."
"I'm pretty chillax myself."
"Not really..."
"How am I not chillax?!"
"You're always upset about something or other, Jaejae," Heechul sighed. "Like the number of people going on this trip."
"Is it too much to ask to want to know what to expect?"
"No, but it's a bit much to pace the room at two in the morning biting your nails and wondering about whether it'll be a plane full of celebrities or not."
"I had other things than that on my mind!"
"Like how many hotel rooms we'd need and whether or not people are overstepping their boundaries inviting other people to come?"
"Well, it's a real concern!"
"It's gonna be okay, you know? It will be fine."
"That's what I said when I challenged Changmin to a duel of wit and insults."
"Pfft!"

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-two:

"Be safe," Eeteuk sniffed. "Don't point guns at each other."
"Angel, don't worry. We're smart boys."
Eeteuk pursed his lips, but refrained from saying anything.
"Bye, Mom," his children and husband said, filing out. Donghae, Eunhyuk, Shindong, and Kangin. Also known as DESK, "Deer and Elk Super Killers."
"Hyukjae," Donghae said sweetly, skipping down the stairs hand-in-hand with his beloved, "we're going on vacation!"
"To America!"
"America, the beautiful!" Kangin said, unlocking their thirteenth car. "From sea to shining sea!"
"For-...ah, I don't know the lyrics," Shindong said, claiming shotgun for himself. "OH CAAAAAAAAANAAADAAAAAA!"
"What's in Canada, Dad?" Eunhyuk asked, fastening his seatbelt. "What is it like?"
"I don't know, Son. I don't know."
"You sound suddenly so sombre!"
"Well, it's a sombre place, kids. I'd stay out of it while we're in America."
"Why?"
"Because...it's vast and endless and cold. And you could meet a moose."
"Mmm....moose burgers..."
"No, Shindong," Kangin said patiently. "Meese are like brick walls. Hit one and you die."
"'Meese'?"
Kangin blinked. "Isn't it 'meese'?"
"I thought it was 'mooses.'"
"'Mi'?"
"What?"
"Like, octopi."
"Isn't it 'octopuses'?"
"I don't know. It's a weird word. 'Meeses'?"
"It's gotta be 'mooses.'"
"What about just 'moose'? Like deer?"
"...I thought it was 'deers.'"

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-three:

"Wassup, hyung?!" G-Dragon said, clapping Se7en on his shoulder. "How ya do?"
"Sup boys," Se7en said, shouldering his seventh murse. "Time to go, yo!"
"Sah, hyung! Dis time yo' takin' yo' boyz widdya tah America. We gonna record some kinna fresh duet?"
"Not this time, Jiyong," Se7en said, getting into his seventh car of sevens. "You boys like meat?"
"Meat with persimmon sauce...mmmm..." Daesung smacked his lips. "Do they have persimmons in America?"
"Of course they do! You can buy anything in America!"
"Anything?"
"Anything, T.O.P."
"...Annnnything?"
"Well," Se7en said. "This is inclusive of the internet."
"Ha haaaaaa, doo dah, da net so flah!"
"You sound like JYP!"
"What? Who's dat?"
"A dude who says 'da' and 'dat'!"
"I gotta meet dis JYP!" G-Dragon gasped. "Hyung! Do you know 'im?"
"Yeah, I met him seven years ago, yo."
"Call 'im!"
"No! I'm driving!"
"So give da phone tah me, yo!"
"I'm not giving you my cellphone. You'll read my texts."
"I swear I won'!"
"I'll make sure he doesn't, hyung," T.O.P said, extending a hand for the cellphone.
"Fine. If you read my texts I'll slap you seven times."
"Since when were you so violent, hyung?!" Daesung cried, scanning Se7en's aura for evil spirits. Se7en tossed his cellphone back to G-Dragon and T.O.P.
"...You only have seven contacts?"
"Seven on the phone, seven in my laptop, seven in my notebook, seven on my DS, seven on a portable USB device, seven in an address book, and seven in my memory, yo."

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-four:

"I hate airports!" snuffled Jaejoong, making sure that his surgical mask was secure before adjusting Heechul's. "Damn flu flying about everywhere!"
Heechul shuddered. "I don't want to get swine flu!"
"Or bird flu!"
"Or SARS!"
"Is that still around?!"
"I don't know!" Jaejoong hugged Heechul close. "I'm scared!"
"Hold me!"
"I'm holding you!"
"O-okay...Where are the others?" Heechul moaned, hiding his face against Jaejoong's chest of situational manliness.
"They're not here yet. We arrived early."
"As if a plane would dare leave without me."
"What would you do if it did, Flowerykinsywinz?"
"I'd sue."
"I was actually thinking about lawsuits recently!"
"Oh? Why?"
"Well, you know, with a kid on the way, I took a serious look at my salary..."
"And?"
"...Nothing. Don't worry about it. Always keep the faith."
"¿Que?"
"Why are you speaking that moon language recently?"
"You mean, Spanish? The language of romantic bandits and several countries around the world?"
"Yeah."
"No one's told you yet?"
"Told me what?"
"...Uh, nothing. Don't worry about it."
"What? Why? What's going on?"
"Always keep the faith," Heechul sang.

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-five:

"Okay, ladies and gangsters! Let's go!" Yunho cheered, swaggering onto the plane with his copy of Twilight in hand. Jaejoong watched in horror as Se7en, G-Dragon, T.O.P, Daesung, Shindong, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Kangin, Changmin, Yoochun, Yunho, and Lee Hyori and Heechul walked onto the plane.
My Shisus, it's an entire fleet of singers.
He sighed and followed them on. It was going to be a long plane flight, he secretly knew that Heechul had secretly promised to sit next to Yunho and Lee Hyori, and who knew who he'd end up sitting next to?
Please not Eunhyuk and Donghae, please not Eunhyuk and Donghae.
Holy crap! Please, please, please, not Yoochun and Changmin, not Yoochun and Changmin.

He looked at his seat assignment with one eye, and looked at the markers along the aisle for where that seat was.
Fuck.
Eunhyuk, Donghae, Yoochun and Changmin were all sitting in the same row. To be specific, he was sitting in the aisle seat with one couple of either side of him. He skipped ahead to where Se7en was sitting with Big Bang and leaned forward desperately.
"Se7en!"
"Jaester! Good morning."
"You look fresh, yo!" G-Dragon said, throwing Jaejoong a thumbs-up. "I'm diggin' da mask, yo!"
"Se7en please, please, trade seats with me."
"No can do, Jaester.
"Why not?"
Se7en pointed up. "This is seat 7A."
"S'Se7en's seat, yo," T.O.P said, adjusting his spiked mask. "No other seat is so sweet!"
Daesung and G-Dragon cheered for his smooth rhyme.
"I should make that a...tweet!"
"Man, you're on fire," Daesung said, smacking him.
Jaejoong looked around the plane. Heechul was busy with his BFFs, Shindong and Kangin were having some sort of intimate discussion with Kangin miming shooting a gun, and there was clearly no other way to get out of this.
Resignedly, gingerly, he sat down, hugging his murse closely.
"Hey Jaejoong." Donghae smiled sweetly. "Sleep okay last night?"
"Why?" Jaejoong narrowed his eyes. Eunhyuk leaned forward and looked past Donghae at him.
"Why is that a weird question, more like," he commented.
Jaejoong pursed his lips at their happy, peaceful, completely-satisfied-with-each-other-and-the-world faces.
"I had terrible nightmares."

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-six:

"You are my promiscuous babe!"
Changmin smirked. "Your English sucks, honey."
"Whaaaaaat? I'm the English pasta!"
He snorted with laughter. "You're the edible English?"
"You don't know English, okay? I know English!"
"Sure you do," Changmin said, pulling a sleeping mask down over his eyes.
"I hope you have sweet visions."
"Dreams, you mean."
"Whatever!" Yoochun snapped, pulling his hat down. "Visions are hot dreams."
"Mm...not so much."
"What's a vision, then?"
Jaejoong covered his face with a pillow and started to count chihuahuas to concentrate on something else besides their bickering. Unfortunately, he was hearing an entirely different conversation in the other ear that he couldn't ignore because they were even closer to him than MinChun.
"Are you tired yet?" Donghae was saying softly, putting his arm around Eunhyuk's shoulder. "You can use me as a pillow."
"Mmmm...the best pillow."
"Hey, did you know that in some places in America, two men can get married? And regardless of what Dad said, we could totally go and get married in Canada?"
Jaejoong watched out of the corner of his eye, drawn in by a reluctant curiosity, as Eunhyuk looked up and kissed Donghae.
"Yeah," he replied quietly. "We should get married."
"Oh! Did you just propose?"
Eunhyuk kissed him again. "I proposed to you a long time ago."
"Oh?"
Eunhyuk linked his fingers with Donghae's. "I proposed to you everyday. Because everyday in my heart, I love you and think of you as my husband."
Donghae wiped his eyes and hugged him. "I love you. We don't need a certificate to show it; as far as I'm concerned, we're already married."
"Yeah," Eunhyuk said softly. "Let's get one anyway, yeah? Our souvenir from America."
"Okay."
Jaejoong looked away, suddenly feeling much quieter and more thoughtful than before.
That was sweet, he thought, surprisingly himself.

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-seven:

"It is not needy interprayer, okay?"
"Korean interpreter to lane 5, please," the customs agent said into the speaker.
"What? Why do you do that? I'm from Virgin, okay?"
Yoochun looked around at his friends. Se7en was up at lane seven, talking amicably with his customs agent. What the hell, he thought. When did that numeral learn English?
"Look, I can escape!"
The customs' agent looked up. "What?"
"Honey, stooooop," Changmin moaned from behind him.
"It's okay! I can escape! You know? Tell more."
"Okay." She looked down and waited for the interpreter.
A lane above them, Heechul handed his passport to the agent and smiled prettily.
"Hey, sweetie. This your first time to America?"
"Oh yes," he said in soft English.
"You be careful, okay?"
"Careful." He smiled and batted his eyelashes.
"Go riiiight on through," the agent smiled dreamily at him for a second and then let him by.
"Oh my god, Yoochun!" a new voice said from in front of him. A young Korean woman was standing there, gaping in delight at him. "And...and...CHANGMIN! HOLY HORNETS! I'M A CASSIOPEIAN!"
"Wow!" Changmin said.
"You are American?!"
"Korean-American!"
"Wow!"
"Okay, okay, so, I'm your interpreter. Here's the dealio. You give me your autographs, and I will let you through. Otherwise, I will boycott your asses until something I like happens."
"Uh...okay."
"Do you have a pen?"
"I have seven pens," Se7en called from the escalator on the other side of the booths. How the hell did he hear that?

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-eight:

"Can you feel it?" Yunho said, inhaling deeply. "I feel his presence near!"
"I want to go to sleep," Kangin complained. "I've been up for hours."
"Press on, my sweets! We've got to get rental cars! And then, and only then, may we lay our heads down to dream of his gorgeousness and scent before we reach his elegant home!"
"Oh smell," Heechul said, sniffing.
"Tally-ho!"
They marched towards a car rental company's van and squished inside of it. When they arrived at the car rental itself, Yoochun made another pronouncement.
"In America, you tip people for their services, guys."
"You tip them? You file them to a point?"
"Whaaa? No, no. You give them money when they do you a courtesy. We need to tip the driver."
"But it's his job."
"Yeah, but they need it. And this is how it's done here."
"Why? Doesn't he get paid enough?"
"No."
"That's terrible!"
"Quick! Get out your wallets. We'll tip him!"
"Okay, okay, okay!"
"How much?"
"Give him five dollars a person!"
"How much money is that?"
A pause as everyone counted how many people were in the van.
"Seventy dollars! Ah, ¡fantástico!" Se7en shook his fist in the air in glee seven times.
"Okay! Who wants to give it to him?"
"Let's each give our own bill to him!"
"'BIll'?"
"Like a duck?"

Chapter One-hundred-fifty-nine:

"We needy cars," Yoochun said, leaning across the counter.
"What type of car do you need?"
"Uh...large."
"SUV?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
"Uh..." he looked at Changmin. "How many do we need?"
"Four people to a car?"
"...We need four cars."
"Four SUVs?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to buy insurance for them?"
"Buy insurance?"
"Yes. For only one hundred fifty dollars per car."
"What is insurance?"
"It's so that if you get into a collision and damage the vehicle, you're covered by insurance and they'll pay for the damages."
"Oh. No, no, we have money."
"Well...yes, but even so..."
"We are not in Collateral!"
"What?"
"You know, movie. Tom Cruise."
"Cruise, right...Well, would you like to...?"
"No, we are not going on cruise, okay? We're going rolling."
"What?"
"The wheels of the car? They roll."
"Four SUVs, no insurance, got it."
"Hold up!" Se7en said, parting the waves between Changmin and Yoochun. "We need four hybrids! Fuel economy!"
"Oh my god, you speak English," the rental salesperson said with relief.
"I speak English? Hello?" Yoochun said, waving his hands in the air at Se7en.
"Give us four of your most fuel efficient cars. We gotta be green, yo! Like the seven on my hat!"
"Nice hat, dude."

Chapter One-hundred-sixty:

"Chula," Jaejoong moaned, crawling into their hotel bed. "I'm so tired."
"Makes you think twice about wanting to be a star in America, doesn't it?"
"Yes. I don't wanna fly back and forth all the time!"
"There, there. Just lay your head down and sleep."
"Aren't you sleeping too?"
"Not yet. I'm going to see Yunho and Princess Hyori. We need to plan for tomorrow...and paint nails...and curl hair..."
"You promise you won't go to a guy's room?"
"Does Yunho not count?"
"No one besides Yunho's room!"
"What about my family? They're all men too."
"...No one besides them."
"Se7en?"
"Se7en is okay, but," Jaejoong sat straight up and clasped Heechul's hands. "Don't go visit Big Bang."
"Why not?"
"Think about the name!" Jaejoong hissed quietly. "Bang!"
"Oh for pity's sake, Jaejoong. Relax. I don't even want to go visit them."
"Okay, then...have fun...and...Chula?"
"Mm?"
"Your brothers...I think...I think they're okay..."
Heechul smiled. "Thanks, Jaejae."
Jaejoong nodded and Heechul kissed his cheek and left across the hallway to Yunho and Lee Hyori's room. He knocked, and Lee Hyori let him in.
"What's up, girls?"
Yunho blew into a Kleenex.
"Glitterpetal, what's wrong?" Heechul asked, crawling onto the bed next to him and hugging him.
"I'm afraid he'll reject me," Yunho sniffed.
"Noooo! Nooooooooo! Who could ever reject you? Don't think like that."
"You really think I'm attractive?"
"Yes!"
"I'm not too fat or...or...I don't know...I want him to like me."
"Glitterpetal...you are beautiful. C'mon, girls, let's sing Moby's song, okay? One, two, three..."
"Look at us we're beautiful! Look at us we're beautiful!" they sang until Yunho stopped crying.
"Now I want to see The Devil Wears Prada again!"
"Oh, god, that movie was so good!"
"I love Prada!"

[Next Part] DESKDBSKSDTGOPPQ!
Tags: Character: Fashion!Terrorist‽, Character: Se7en likes dem girls‽, Character: Yunho the Gheiho‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Changmin/Yoochun, omg pairing‽: Edward/Yunho, omg pairing‽: Eunhyuk/Donghae, omg pairing‽: Jaejoong/Heechul, omg pairing‽: Kangin/Eeteuk, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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