恵真 (aidenrose) wrote in interrobangfics,
恵真
aidenrose
interrobangfics

The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Fourteen

Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Authors: [info]aidenrose and [info]tvxqsocks
Part: Fourteen (Chapters 131-140)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of.

Chapter 140 is not for the faint of heart. I dreamed part of this and following parts in a nightmare a few days ago. I have weird dreams. These chapters are getting so long compared to the beginning chapters... ;;❀w❀_✎

Chapter One-hundred-thirty-one:


“Grab my hand, would you? Can’t see,” Heechul muttered, pawing the air in his search for the stair railing. “Ah, the price for beauty.”

“You can probably take the cucumbers off now, you know,” Donghae said, touching his facial mask with a finger gingerly. “Do you think they can make you blind?”

“No!”
“Stop scaring her, Donghae,” Eunhyuk said, carrying up a peace offering - a honey graham cracker cheesecake.
“He can’t scare me. I saw him in diapers.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yeah? How old do you think I am?”

“Don’t answer it,” Eunhyuk said, shaking his head at Donghae. “You’ll only offend her.”

“C’mon, we’re here. Bring out your keys.”
Heechul unlocked the door to the JaeChul Love Nest and kicked off his flip-flops. “Alright. You guys make yourselves at home. Let me go find Hubbykins and tell him we have guests.”
“Jaejae?” he called, feeling his way through the apartment towards the bedroom. “You here?”

“He-” Jaejoong poked his head around a corner and shrieked. Heechul turned towards him and screamed.
“What?! What’s the matter?!”

“Oh, my GOD! Is that you, Chula?! What happened to your eyes?!
“Unnnn?” Heechul patted his face gently. “It’s not dry yet…”
“Baby, why are you wearing a salad on your face?”

“It’s just cucumbers. Sheesh. This is what makes my skin so lustrous and beautiful! I mean, besides my amazing DNA. Right, baby?” he stroked his stomach. “You’re going to be soooooo pretty, just like Mommy! And Daddy...”
“You...They put a mud mask on you?”

“Of course!” Heechul giggled. “Nothing like spa treatment to increase Super Junior’s position on the charts!”
“Good point, beauty is essential!” Jaejoong chortled.
“Essential!” Heechul walked into the bedroom put his purse down, touching the cucumbers over his eyes to make sure that they were still adhering to his epidermis.

“How did you get home?”


Chapter One-hundred-thirty-two:

“They’re here?” Jaejoong backed against the nightstand and knocked over the lamp. “You brought them back with you? Is this why you wanted to stay the night? So you could sabotage me in the morning?”

“No. They’re my family! Why can’t they stop by? They brought cake.”

“Cake made of gay!” he hissed. “It’s not safe! Don’t eat it!”

“What the hell, Jaejae? So they’re in love and a little obvious about it. So what!”

“They’re both men!”
“Why is that a problem?” he said, taking off the cucumbers and blinking a few times.
 
“It’s unnatural!”

“Kind of like your hair color?”

“N-...this was natural dye.”

“Uh-huh.”
“I don’t want them here! Make them leave!”

“No. They came over to familiarize themselves with this place and to play video games with me.”

“They cannot use our controllers! OH GOD, WHAT IF THEY SIT ON THE COUCH!?”

“What if they do? And yes, they can use our controllers!”

“They’ll defile it!”

Heechul slapped him.
“You need help,” he said tightly. “You seriously need help. Jaejoong, everyone you know is gay!
Jaejoong sobbed and bit his fist. “Everyone?”

Everyone. So you can’t hate like this! Get out! Go get some help.”
“Now?!”
“Yes, now.”

“You’re making me leave you alone with them in our house?!”

“Yes, it’s Wii time.”

Chapter One-hundred-thirty-three:

“Hi Se7en, gay, hate, Chula, help please.”
Se7en looked up from whisking pancake batter and twitched his upper lip. “Bb!”
The girl dat wuz hard tuh git walked down the stairs brushing her hair. “What’s up?”

“Oh, Bb. You look so good in that limited edition lingerie. There were only seven sets of it available.”

“Thank you. It is quite soft, and it does slim me.”

“What is there to slim? You’re perfect in seven ways.”

“Oh, don’t make me blush. Are you making pancakes?”

“Well, I was, but...Come over to the window. But first!” Se7en took off his t-shirt and gave it to her. “Put this on. I think Jaester is at the Gate of Sevens.”
“What? Why is he here?”

“Listen to this.” Se7en replayed the message and they looked at each other. Then they both laughed.
“Wow, he does listen well. Keeping to your seven word rule even though he seems to be in need of some help.”
Se7en sighed. “This was supposed to be a day for us.”

“It’s okay. He’s your friend, yeah?”

“Bb, you are so supportive.”
The girl dat wuz hard tuh git nodded. “I really am. Did you make enough batter for three people?”

“I made enough for seven people.”

“Isn’t that kind of wasteful?”

“It’s okay. I buy in bulk.”

“You do?”

“Yes! I buy twenty eight bags of flour at once and I save seven cents per bag that way! See how frugal I am? Se7en is gonna make you such a good husband, Bb.”

“Indeed. But who’s going to eat all of the food you cook?”

“Our seven children!” Se7en laughed.

Chapter One-hundred-thirty-four:

“You guys are like a breath of fresh air,” Jaejoong said, leaning on the counter and looking at their man-and-womanness affectionately.

“Seven breaths,” Se7en said, adding in blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, gooseberries, strawberries, mulberries and currants into his pancake batter.
“I don’t think my body can handle seven kids, Se7en,” sad the girl dat wuz hard tuh git, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.
“No problem, Bb. We’ll adopt.”

“That’s okay with you?”

“Absolutely! So many children out there need loving homes. We can provide that.”

“Good point.”

“Does it make me a bad person that I’m having a kid and I don’t want one?” Jaejoong said, pulling his eyelids down absentmindedly.
“You don’t want your kid?” the girl dat wuz hard tuh git raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know. I guess so. But I never wanted to be a parent. Children are so noisy and dirty.”

“They’re adorable in seven ways. Isn’t that right, Bb? You’re lucky to have a kid.”
“That’s right.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”
“But if you really didn’t want your kid, I would say that you’re a horny boy who is too stupid to know what a condom is, and you recklessly got your wife pregnant,” the girl dat wuz hard tuh git said, sipping her orange juice with narrowed eyes.
“If you’re really safe, you use seven condoms at once.”

“Se7en, we’re never trying that.”

“What’s a condom?”

They stared at him.
“I thought you were joking about that,” said the girl dat wuz hard tuh git, looking at Se7en.
“No…”

Chapter One-hundred-thirty-five:

“So, Jaester. I have to tell you this since you’ve come on a day when I was going to play my way through seven games on the Wii with Bb,” Se7en said, sitting down on the couch. “You only get seven chances to unexpectedly drop by per year. Use them wisely.”

“Sorry. I really need your help.”

“What’s the problem?”
“All my friends are gay.”

“Gay friends are the best friends,” said the girl dat wuz hard tuh git, arranging seven pieces of biscotti in seven different flavors on a seven-shaped platter on the seven-shaped table.
“Bb, do you ever wish I was gay?”

“You? Nah. You’re stylish, you sympathize with me, and you even use beauty products with me.” She patted their smooth cheeks, newly washed of their rejuvenating facial mud. “You’re...what’s the word...Metrosexual!”

“Se7ensexual.”

“Whatever.”

“Guys, I hate gay people.”

Se7en blinked. “Say what?”

“I do! They make me so uncomfortable that I gag. And Chula’s siblings are all gay...with each other! It’s worse than just being gay, it’s incest. And I’m forced to be around it.”

“Jaester, Chula’s family aren’t biologically related.”

“Still! It’s nasty and creepy and...and…” Jaejoong blushed. “I don’t see why they like it.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing.”
“Jaester, these are the people you’ve worked with and loved. Now you’ve just woken up to the reality that they like men.”

“But why do they like men?”

“Why do you like women?” Se7en crunched on a piece of biscotti.
“They’re hot.” The girl dat wuz hard tuh git threw a pillow at him.
“What?! They are!” Jaejoong said, taking off his fake glasses with an angrily angry flourish and meeting her glare.
“Well, to them, dudes are hot.”

“Why?! You can’t have sex with dudes!”

“Actually…”
“…What…?”

“No, nothing.”

“…don’t tell me…”

Chapter One-hundred-thirty-seven:


Se7en and the girl dat wuz hard tuh git watched as Jaejoong sunk further into the couch, his face frozen in the very image of a person horrified beyond all possibility.
“How?” he whispered after a few seconds.
“Don’t ask.”

“Okay. No problem.”

“Yeah, you probably don’t want to know."
“I really don’t. Don’t tell me.”

“I won’t tell you seven times, Jaester.”

Jaejoong wiped his brow and the girl dat wuz hard tuh git offered him a biscotti. He refused it, and Se7en shrugged at her.
“So, back to your problem...I’m sure this didn’t help, but, too late to take it back now. Late by about forty nine seconds…”
“It can’t be helped,” Jaejoong whispered. “My friends have been…somehow…”
“Just forget about it. Let’s start from Chula.”

“Chula was a dude.”

“Yes, but not anymore. That’s a dead horse, yo.”
“Right…”

“How do you feel about her?”

“I love her…”

“Just because she’s hot?”

Jaejoong frowned and Se7en and the girl dat wuz hard tuh git watched as he did some serious reading into his mind and soul.
“No,” he said slowly. “That’s not really why.”

“So why do you like her?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe I rushed into this marriage.”

“Well, you dated for what...a day?”

“Bb, it was more like seven hours.”

“But she’s so beautiful, and...and…smart.”
“And?”

“She sings well!” Jaejoong said, his eyes growing misty and cloudy with swirls of love. “Good times. C’mon barbie let’s go parteh….hehehehehe.”
“C’mon Bb let’s go parteh,” Se7en chuckled.

Chapter One-hundred-thirty-eight:

“So, if Chula turned back into a guy, would you still love her?”
Jaejoong gaped.
“I mean, is changing her sex enough for you to stop loving her?”

Jaejoong pursed his lips and Se7en jabbed his foot with his toe seventh toe from the left. “Is it?”

“No,” Jaejoong said, looking away. “But I mean, I wouldn’t want to… you know.”

“Right. But what if you did?”

“...Then there wouldn’t really be a problem, I guess.”
Exactly! Very good, Jaester! See, the thing is...Yoochun, Changmin, Yunho, all those other fabulous people...They like men. It’s just how they are. Just like how it wouldn’t be a problem for you, it’s not a problem for them! You’ll grow up a little and realize that it isn’t disgusting. Love is love, and love is lovely, am I right, Bb?”

“Right in seven ways,” she said affectionately, kissing his cheek.

“Bb, you’re awesome in seven ways.”

“Do you think Chula and I could be as nice as you two someday?”

Se7en and the girl dat wuz hard tuh git looked at each other, and she shook her head imperceptibly.
“Up to seventy percent as nice,” Se7en said, throwing him a thumbs up. “So! Do you think it’s okay to be gay?”

Jaejoong sighed. “Can it make me gay?”

“No.”

“What if I find myself attracted to a dude?”

“You won’t. You’ve been around too many sexy guys for too long. You would have had a crush by now, yo.”

“I guess that’s true….”
“Lemme put it this way, Jaester. If you don’t learn to accept homosexuality, you will hurt your friends’ feelings and Chula’s family that she loves and relies on. Man up.”


Chapter One-hundred-thirty-nine:

“Maybe you and Chula should go on some dates,” said the girl dat wuz hard tuh git. “You’ll learn more about each other, and it’ll make you more secure in your sexuality, too. So secure that you’ll be able to hug her family and your friends of many years.”

“You think so?”

“I do. Also, I think you should spend time with more gay people more often...so you get used to them. And remember, they’re kissing because they’re in love!”
“Bb, you’re so wise.”

“I am a bit, aren’t I?”

“Like a seventy-year-old.”

“In wisdom only.”

“That goes without saying, Bb!”
“Se7en, do you think I should date my wife, too?”

Se7en nodded seven times. “It can only help! Besides, she’s the mother of your child. You should know her better.”

“Did you know that I was going to debut with Heechul once?”

“...No. Really?”

“Yeah...the idea got dropped and I got shunted into TVXQ. Hey, do you think Father SM planned for me to be with the gay boys?”

“No, or he would have kept you with Heechul.”

“That’s true...but maybe he really wanted us five boys to get close…”

“Kinda worked, yo.”

“Kinda did, huh…”
“Well, good luck, Jaester. Now go home.”

“What? Can’t I stay here and eat food with you guys?”

“No. We need to unlock the last seven characters in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.”

“Oh.”

“Nice seeing you, Jaejoong,” said the girl dat wuz hard tuh git.

Chapter One-hundred-forty:

“Hello, Chula?” Jaejoong held his cellphone to his ear.
“Jaejae. Feel better?”

“Yeah, I went to Se7en’s house.”

“Oh really.”

“Yeah, I think he really helped me. I think I’ll be cured soon!”

“That’s great news, Floofykins!”

“Awww, I love it when you call me cute names, Gooshymoussymoo!”
Heechul giggled.
“Are your brothers still there?”

“Yeah. I got a perfect score on advanced soccer in Wii Fit! Ho ho ho!”

“I didn’t know we had that game…does it really keep you in shape?”

“Am I in shape?”

“Yes.”

“Well, there you go. It is the most awesome game ever!
“Wow. No more gym membership fees! We’ll spend the money on baby formula, yeah?!”

A heavy pause.
“Jaejae, I plan on breast feeding our kid.”

“You can do that?”

“Well technically speaking, you could breast feed our kid given the right hormonal and stimulating circumstances!”
“...What?”

“You have mammary glands.”

“I don’t.”

“You do…”

“I’m not breast feeding anyone.”

“Fair enough, I want to do it myself.”
“Hey, what does OT5 mean?” Jaejoong said, quickly switching the subject.
“...Oxygen Tonic 5.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Don’t ask anyone else, they’ll tell you lies. Where did you even hear that?”

“Sometimes fans scream it at us…”
“Bitches.”

“What?”

“You’re mine! Come home now.”

Tags: Character: Bb‽, Character: Se7en likes dem girls‽, Length: multiple chapter‽, genre: crack is crack‽, omg pairing‽: Eunhyuk/Donghae, omg pairing‽: Jaejoong/Heechul, omg pairing‽: Se7en/Bb, what's a rating‽: PG-13
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